as close as i could get

this is so hard.

i KNEW it would be hard. i did NOT think it would be easy.

i just didn't know HOW it would be hard...what it would look like.

so many of you write/comment and say things like, "you are in awe" or "we are showing God's love" or "what a testimony we are" and, just speaking for myself here, i do NOT feel able to accept those comments.

i am struggling.

for those of you that have become parents, you know how it brings out how sinful you truly are? you just don't realize how selfish you are until you have someone depending on you 100% (again, speaking for myself here)

well, this is like that, but 100fold. maybe i "shouldn't" be saying these things.

maybe i should just share the beautiful moments...like singing "how great Thou art" this morning in church while holding levi - the precious boy i've prayed for for 2 years...and looking over at pat holding lincoln in his arms. it was beautiful. but, it's also messy...it was the last song of the service. i spent the whole service outside holding a screaming baby. pat spent the whole service with lincoln in his lap squirming like an octopus.

i know that i can't do this on my own.

i need HIS strength.

i spent a few minutes a little bit ago with my Bible...hoping to soak some of HIM in.

i opened it, read 2 words, and my head fell onto it and i wept and wept and wept.

that was as close as i could get...i can only weep...and beg...and repent...and try again.

pray for strength for me.

supernatural strength.

i have none left.

i had heard going into this that the "normal" progression is that there is a "honeymoon" period. and then a "hard" period. and then you transition into just being a family.

well, i don't think we had a honeymoon period. maybe we skipped it?? or, if this IS the honeymoon period, i might need to be admitted to a mental hospital :-)

 i'm really ok.

He is good. He meets me when i need Him to.

i'm just trying to be honest and real.