it was like being in a 5 hour hug!

we spent the afternoon/evening at my parents...doing "christmas" with my whole side of the family.
it was so sweet and special and fun...

the kids' stockings:

dinner...all 15 of us at the table!

i think this might have been my favorite part of the night...just the "big kids" (the 4 smith kids and our spouses) sitting at the table after everyone else got up...talking and laughing...it's blurry, but the memory is not.

my mom had a gift for each of our boys in rwanda! how sweet is that?!?

gifts:

it was like being in a 5 hour hug...walking into "home"...so many hugs and stories and laughter and great food and smiles and LOVE.
it was good for me!
thanks for all you did to make it SO special, mom and dad!!!

there's nothing better...{this one's a doozy - sorry!}

i'm not sure i'm ready to "talk" but i have to get all this out of my head...

first, some cute stuff:

bailey and sawyer helped me decorate our packages...

and we got them mailed off!!! there's nothing better...right??
{still have a few more to mail...but feels good to have a big chunk done!}

i LOVE to watch sawyer sleep. there's nothing better. and i love it so much that i risked him waking up to take a picture! i wonder why i love it so much. i think part of it must be that he might be my last baby! we have no idea how old our rwandan boys will be...

there's nothing better than reading to my kids. all of them. if i sit down on the couch with a book and start reading...they will ALL come...one at a time...it doesn't matter what book it is. i need to do it more often. sawyer comes up to me many times a day with a book, "read dis."

simple pleasures. yet why is it so hard for me to leave the "tasks" behind sometimes and do it?? ugh.

we have read this book and listened to the cd that comes with it COUNTLESS times this week. seriously, COUNTLESS. the song is playing in my head at all times...and it chokes me up every time. she knows every word. what page goes with each set of words (and she CAN'T read). lots of dancing in our house this week :-)

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

sawyer getting into "down dog" :-)

i mean...there's nothing better! :-)

ok. if you've made it this far - go grab a cookie or something! you deserve it!

i'm going to move onto the deeper stuff. if you're done - have a great day!


"I'll choose to believe that sometimes the happiest ending isn't the one you keep longing for, but something you absolutely cannot see from where you are."
Shauna Niequist

when we started this adoption journey, i knew it wouldn't be easy. i knew there would be challenges and waiting and lots of money spent and hard moments. but i did NOT know it would be like this. i think i thought we'd suffer through the paperwork, prance through the wait and complain a bit but it would go "as planned" and it would be so exciting and then the adjustment to having them home would be the hardest part to deal with.

i know everyone's journey is different.
i do NOT want to compare to others {although that's hard not to do.}

but this journey through the rwanda program has been unique - no?

i KNOW there are countries where you have long waits! but you know that going into it.
we did not know.

we thought one thing and have had to totally switch gears.
change our mindset and hearts.
it has been brutal.
{please, God, let the darkness of the last few months be the "hardest part" of this for me..i don't know if i can handle anything harder!}
we have questioned (do we switch programs to a different country? how long will we wait? 1 year? 5 years?)
we have been angry and frustrated.

so far, i can say with complete clarity that God has answered us loud and clear.
we will wait and fight for our boys in Rwanda.
the answer, for now, is that we will do that for as long as it takes.
unless He tells us otherwise.
{trust me. God and i have had some "discussions" over this. He knows how to make Himself heard..even if i am holding my fingers in my ears and everything!}

like a good friend reminded me today, this is not about ME or our FAMILY or even those sweet BOYS. this is about Him.
yes, God is using this to teach me so so so much and He is using it to open our children's eyes and He is using it to give 2 boys a family...but His plan is so much greater than that! we don't know it all. we probably never will. but His timing is perfect....not perfect for ME, or them...but perfect for HIM. {thank you, megan!!!}

advent this year has been deeper for me. all the talk about "waiting" and "hoping" and "wonder" that goes with Advent are so much more real to me as i'm in my own season of "waiting" and "hoping" and "wonder." that is sweet, huh?


so, yes, God is teaching me a lot.

one thing: patience. i've never been good at it. and, can you believe this?
i'm even impatient in learning my lesson on patience!
i'm all, "ok. i am learning patience. enough already! let's get on with it!"
right. so, still working on that one.

two other things i'm learning are a little confusing and hard to balance together:
i am lonely and need to pray through that AND i need to be more engaged with my kids in the afternoons.
here's the thing - i did a lot of Bible studies and play dates and weekly get togethers with people when rebekah and joshua were little. as much as i could plan, i did. it was good for me to be with other moms and get out of the house. once i had bailey, i made the conscious decision to pull back. and even more once i had sawyer. these days are precious...fleeting...the play dates and Bible studies were for ME - not them (even though we like to convince ourselves otherwise) and i needed to be their mom and teach them and train them...not just manage them. but, i am now realizing that maybe i've pulled back too much. i need to be intentional with the friendships i have and i NEED friends that can encourage me and make me feel normal. i don't know what this means. it will likely be a slight change on the outside - i don't have time for more - but, hopefully, a big change on the inside.

and the afternoons. i HATE the afternoons. each kid needs something different at all times {rebekah-homework and listening to every detail of her day, joshua-trying to pull something out of him or he would remain silent, bailey-wants constant touch and attention, sawyer-he's 2 1/2: need i say more??), i'm tired and trying to finish up my "list" from the day, and make dinner, and get them bathed and ready for bed and dinner cleaned up and the house cleaned up and piano practiced (or taught!) and i escape all the craziness by "just checking email" which turns into more than a minute...and then they are saying, "mom...______" and i say, "just a minute" as my eyes are on the computer screen reading an email or a blog and i HATE it. deep inside, i HATE it. that's NOT what i want my kids to remember. i'm blessed to be at home with them and i need to TRULY BE AT HOME.

so, new rule this week. NO touching the computer from 2:30-8 pm. and only checking email ONCE from 7:30 am til sawyer's nap. i'm sad to say how hard it's been. i didn't realize how often i was on the computer until i couldn't do it. and, i have to say, i feel MUCH more connected to my kids because of it.

i made another rule too (actually i had 5 new rules total on monday morning but quickly realized that was WAY too much to handle...so just 2 new rules): drink more water. it really makes you feel better! i just don't drink a lot and i have to force myself to keep drinking throughout the day.

i feel like this was a mess of a post. i wish i was a better writer and better able to say what's in my heart.

God is good. He is so real. i'm thankful for the ways He's provided for me to see Him, to serve Him, to love Him lately. my heart is lighter not because our circumstances have changed, but because the truths i've known are finally getting deep into my heart and mind, i'm choosing to believe them no matter what happens.

off to get geared up for "Friend Friday" followed by "Family Night"! :-)

my thanksgiving week post

{i am fully aware that this post might make you hate me...many times over. that's fine. i get it. please, just be kind with your hate...}

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." ~ Melody Beattie

stole the above quote from my friend, christy. thanks, girl.
i LIKE the quote.
but i'm having a hard time with it also.
i don't have acceptance or order or clarity...or peace or a vision.

i think, if i was going to be totally honest, i'm having a hard time being thankful.
which is why i'm having a hard time with the quote.
i KNOW i have COUNTLESS reasons to be thankful:
my Lord and Savior that loves me, gave His life for me AND continues to patiently guide me through this life
my wonderful husband
my 4 precious, healthy children
our beautiful home
wonderful neighborhood
countless friends near and far
loving extended family
the list goes on and on...

yet my heart IS NOT THANKFUL.

{some sweetness amidst all this ugliness...spontaneous dessert being made on monday night, because we CAN! :-)}

i thought i was doing better.
actually, i know i'm doing a little better.
but this week my heart is slipping..."Thanksgiving" has hit me hard.
i've always loved it. the family...the love...time to reflect on what we're thankful for.
{since i'm being honest...i actually don't like the FOOD at thanksgiving. lots of "mushy" stuff...and i have a thing with "mushy". i'm making brownies to bring...and looking forward to the little bowls of hershey's kisses my aunt always has out :-)}
anyways...i'm basically being a little stubborn brat. stomping my feet. flailing around on the ground and saying,
"i KNOW You know what's best. i KNOW You've made it clear. but THIS IS NOT MY WAY and I WANT MY WAY!"

it is hard for me to be thankful when the thing i want the most is out of my hands. 
completely.
and i have NO control.

as i look back over the last few months, some things are clear:
-our adoption is going to take longer than we thought
-He is with us
-He has clearly told us to WAIT. 
-sometimes, even when He is VERY, VERY real to me...things are still VERY, VERY hard.

{the panter's came over yesterday and we finished passing out the flyers...then played at a playground}

{these 2 are too much. yes, i made bailey's shirt. i LOVE it. yes, i know it's not thanksgiving yet. they get to dress themselves when there isn't school...}

{joshua and sophie - i think...}

me and holly

i so wanted this week to be good. to be sweet and simple.
it probably has been for my kids.
i've been home. WE'VE been home.
we've played and laughed and had little to no schedule.
but my heart has been a mess. and i'm sure that's coming through some.

yesterday morning we were at the dr office. bailey had been complaining about her ear hurting for 3 days so i finally took her in. we were in that little office for 40 minutes waiting for the dr to come in. i was pacing {well, kinda doing the box step because that was as much room as i had} and thought i was going to go INsANE if that dr didn't walk in NOW!


the second she walked in, all that frustration and anger went away.
gone.
and we moved onto the appt and why we were there.
{she does have an ear infection!}

i KNOW that will be the case with all this waiting for our adoption.
i KNOW when we get to the other side, this "waiting" will seem like nothing.
i'll probably have a hard time remembering it one day {hard to imagine...}

yet, even that knowledge doesn't really help.
just makes me feel more psycho for the way i feel today.

{7:45 am today. not rushing off to school or the gym...just playing :-)}

so, since i am not that excited about thanksgiving...i decided maybe we should just move onto christmas.
we put away the fall decorations.
we pulled up some of the christmas boxes and set some stuff out and put some music on.
the kids loved it.

bottom line: the holidays are going to be rough this year. i'm not sure i can do this.

happy thanksgiving! :-)

adoption update

i don't think i can....

*go another day with no news.
*go another week without hearing something.
*ache for my boys another thanksgiving...or christmas...or summer...

i haven't shared much lately about the adoption. mostly because there isn't much to share.
but also because i don't like what there IS to share.
i can't remember exactly what i have shared and i'm too lazy to go back and see...so i'm going to re-cap from way back.

there have only been a handful of adoptions out of rwanda this year and NONE the last half of the year.
ok. we need a cute picture now {snot and oreo :-)}. that's too much already...

deep breath.
ok.
so, end of august 2010 (exactly 1 yr after we began this process...) rwanda closed to international adoption.
to become a part of the hague convention {i do remember talking about this...it IS a good thing...just not super fun that we were "in process" when it happened}

nerve-wracking at first. but once they said they would process all the paperwork they had, the hope that our boys would be home "soon" was still there.
as days turned into weeks and weeks have turned into months...the hope is hard to find.

we hear SO little from rwanda...from the government...from the orphanage.
i KNOW africa does things differently. and i KNOW it will all happen in His timing. i'm just telling you how it feels. FRUSTRATING!!! like, i literally want to SCREAM frustrating!

there was a short period of time about a month ago that was super hard {remember...the darkness??}
during that time, we were encouraged to switch countries...to ethiopia.
at the time, i was SO hopeless and frustrated with the rwanda process that i was seriously considering it.
to list out the pro's and con's of the two, it's a no-brainer.
ethiopia would be faster, easier to take our children, we would have more medical info on the children we would be adopting.
my {very wise} husband stopped my emotional reaction and said we would pray about it for...{i was thinking like 2 hours? or 2 days?} 2 months.
we've decided to pray about it until the end of january.

BUT, i can honestly say that even in the time we've been praying, God has been clear so far that this is the road He wants us on. our children are in Rwanda. my heart is there. i ACHE to walk into that blue gate and see my children for the first time. it's been little things. one example: JUST when i think maybe we should switch, i'll be sent a random link to a blog of someone that was in Rwanda last week for a trip and posted ABOUT THE ORPHANAGE AND THE KIDS THERE! it's like when i'm focusing on "details" and "logistics", He reminds me it's about THEM...the children that He has for us.

and i've been convicted to be PATIENT. to WAIT. to TRUST.
ugh.
i'm not that great at ANY of those...especially when they don't go along with "my plan."

we raked leaves yesterday afternoon.
we really only have to do this 1, maybe 2 days a year. we only have a few trees.
i SO clearly remember this day last year.
we had JUST finished our home study.
it felt like SUCH a huge step.
there was so much HOPE and excitement!

the emotions from last year hit me like a ton of bricks as we got out there yesterday {this journey is like this. i NEVER know when my emotions are going to knock me over. it's crazy.}
i spent the whole time TRYING to enjoy our time.
and TRYING not to fall on the ground in a mess of tears.
because this year, the hope is just a small flicker.
the road is so fuzzy and unknown....and LONG...

{LOVE this picture!!}

so, there you have it.
the "update".
to summarize: yes, we are still adopting. from Rwanda. we are still number #71 of #150 families waiting to be approved and referred children by the government {a few families DID get approved last month...but our numbers haven't been updated, nor have they received referrals}. we think about them and pray for them every day. our kids ask about them and why it is taking so long. our family doesn't feel complete and our arms ache to hold them.

i KNOW parts of this don't make sense.
WHY can't i just enjoy and embrace where i am today?
i KNOW once we bring our children home it is going to ROCK our family and i'll look back on these days as being "so easy."
i want to...to enjoy and savor this {and i do sometimes}
it is a battle.
between myself and God.
between MY plan and His.
i KNOW His is best...yet i still fight it.

thankfully, i do feel like my heart is switching gears.
i'm coming to grips with the fact that our children won't be home "soon."
and i'm enjoying the moments of our days WAY more than i was a month or so ago.
PRAISE HIM for His patience and gentleness with my stubborn heart.

this is quite a roller-coaster, ya'll.
i had NO idea.
i wouldn't trade it for the world but it's BY FAR been the hardest thing i've ever been through.
and the sweetest.
God has been more real to me these past 15 months than ever before.

as good as it feels to be coming out of a low-point, i'm fairly certain that there will be more.
that doesn't feel so good.
the fact that one of the ONLY things i'm certain of in all of this is that it's going to be REALLY really hard.
but, i will go. because He's asked us to. we will wait. we will pray. we will ache. until we have them home.

but, seriously, i NEED to hear something tomorrow. i CAN'T go another week with NO news! ;-)

the rest of us

in case you are worried that the rest of my family is suffering terribly for my crazy, awful attitude lately...they aren't. everyone is actually doing really well and there's still been a lot of fun and smiles and laughter around here lately!

bailey and sawyer are LOVING the basement these days. we go through spells.
sawyer LOVES his trains and bailey, well, she just loves anything {except socks that tickle her}

the other morning, i ran upstairs and made their lunch and felt "fun" so i brought it down to them and they ate it laying on their stomachs in the basement. i even let sawyer feed himself his applesauce. which was all fine and good til...

he rolled over and tried to put it in his mouth while laying on his back. i remember when applesauce all over a shirt, neck, face and carpet would have gotten me upset. not anymore. i laughed and cleaned it up and fed him the rest of the applesauce myself :-)

i had a headache from 5 pm sunday night until 2 pm yesterday afternoon. almost 3 full days. IT.WAS.AWFUL! it's so hard to function when you have a headache.

i couldn't take all the bags of halloween candy around here {meaning: i have NO self-control and needed it gone or else i was going to gain 20 pounds}

so, the other afternoon i gave each kid a bag and let them pick 10 pieces of candy. i told them they could eat the candy WHENEVER they wanted. they could eat it all right then. or for breakfast the next day. whatever. but when it was gone, it's gone. they have TOTALLY been so "controlled" about it! one piece when they get home, one piece after dinner. NO one has had any for breakfast! i'm amazed!

the rest of the candy is gone.

so, are my kids the only kids that pretend to be poor?
they were running in and out of the house the other afternoon. gathering "supplies" for whatever "game" they were playing. i asked one of them as they ran past me making dinner, "what are you guys playing?"

"we are poor people. we have a shelter on the ground. and we walk to the river to get water."
all said with a sweet smile on their face.
not like a "i have no idea what i'm talking about" smile.
but a "i know there are people like this in the world and i love them and respect them enough to acknowledge what their life is like" smile.

joshua was doing this.
HE.LOVES.TO.LEARN.
it's crazy.

oh look! sawyer caught a fish in the river!!!!
i love my kids.

i pretty much read a book a week.
the last 2 weeks i read Mockingjay and Choosing to See.
VERY different books.
loved them both.

my friend, Tisha, posted about this awhile ago.
i finally got around to doing it.
she used pretty beads.
i used pasta.
each jar represents the number of days until each child turns 18.
there are only 3215 days for rebekah.
i take one out a day...and we'll cook and eat them as we go. :-)
so practical, i am.
this is not to countdown until they are gone.
this is to be reminded how little time i really have with each of them and to TRULY make EACH day count.
once that pasta {day} is gone, it's gone!

we are having some pretty perfect fall days here lately.
and i'm trying to take advantage of them.
we've gone to a different playground every day.
i LOVE my mornings with these 2.
i think ages 1 1/2-5 yrs is my favorite age range.
the babies kill me.
and the older kids make me feel so inadequate.

toddlers are just so EASY to please.
yes, they throw temper tantrums and pee in their pants over and over.
but, say to them, "hey! is that a rock?"
and the temper tantrum is over and they are all smiles.
it's just sweet. i love it.

God is so good to me.
He's so very patient. and gentle.
sawyer and bailey have both been whining/complaining a lot this week {combo of weekend with the grandparents AND daylight savings time} and i have been SO frustrated.
but i was reminded today, that's TOTALLY what i've been doing with God lately.
whining, complaining, whining, complaining.
our adoption journey is NOT turning out how i "thought" it would.
i had this "plan" in my head and it's just not working out that way.
i have fought it and argued with God and tried to reason :-) with Him.
and He's been silent.
or He's gently told me "no" and "wait" and "be patient".
and i never let that get to my heart.
i whine and complain and whine and complain.
oh, how frustrating i must be to Him.

but, just like i continue to love and teach and mold and forgive my children for their whining and complaining, so does my God.

His never-ending grace and love is amazing.
and He sends little snippets of encouragement that could ONLY be from Him my way at just the right times.
today He LITERALLY sent me a hug at a playground. for REAL. my eyes are still bugging out probably.
i mean, it was so great to see her. BUT, more than that, it was FROM HIM!
i am so so thankful.
i feel like, maybe, i'm finally hearing what He's trying to teach me.

and my heart is singing again.
i'm excited when i wake up.
to see what the day holds.
to welcome my children to their day.
to think ahead and dream and love and LIVE.

i don't think i'll ever be quite the same.
the scars from the lessons are there to remind me.
my heart beats deeper.
but i hope it means that i will also love deeper.

{sawyer loves chocolate chip pancakes}

man, life is hard.
but He is bigger than all of it.

and life is good.
we're still smiling.
how could we not??

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." 

James 1:17

updates on life

this will be all over the place. i apologize in advance. but it's life these days...
i need to update on so much...and i have some cute pictures to keep you interested :-)

sawyer and potty training:
it's done. he's potty trained! pee and poop. i know. i can't believe it either. it just "clicked" last sunday. it took almost 2 weeks. 2 miserable weeks. in hindsight, i did it too early. it would have been WAY easier if i had waiting a couple more months. but, it's done. and he does wear pants now. but i just LOVE his little bottom in underwear...so he looks like this quite often :-)

bailey:

she is the happiest, most joyful person i've ever met. and i'm so thankful that i get to be her mom. she's also VERY tired and has a really hard time in the afternoons. but the mornings together are the highlight of my day.

halloween:
it's full of fun around here. halloween, that is. the kids dress up. they are ALL having fun parties at school today that they get to put their costumes on for {rebekah: "bed head" - i have no idea...her and a friend came up with it...but it involved NO costume, so i was all for it!; joshua and sawyer: firemen; bailey: today - bride, tomorrow for the church trunk or treat it will be something different i'm sure and then another one on sunday...she just picks out of the dress up box}. trick or treating in our neighborhood is so super fun. like a big party! i hope i bought enough candy. i buy more every year and we ALWAYS run out and start giving the kids' candy away that they just brought home! we love it. and i can't wait to eat their candy! :-)

my heart:
it's a mess. no surprise there. i am really struggling. i've cried...SOBBED-cried every day this week. i've been in constant prayer and reflection. but it won't go away. it's deep and dark and heavy and not specific and impossible to try to explain.  but i think/hope/pray i turned the corner. this morning when i woke up, my heart felt a little "light" and there was a hint of joy that i didn't have to fake. God has been talking to me. but lots of other things have been, too. so i'm still trying to wade through it all and hear the TRUTH. i really think telling myself, "God loves me." over and over for 24 hours helped. amazing {why do i think it's amazing? duh! but, still, it is!} i will share more when i can articulate it better...but thank you for your prayers...keep 'em coming...and if you have any "TRUTH" to share...i'm all ears!

pat:
he is the most amazing husband ever.
and loves me SO perfectly.

our afternoons:
they are getting better. the homework stuff is going smoother. the chores are getting done without reminders. but they are still my least favorite part of the day.

our adoption:
the short update: nothing new. the wait is longer than ever. a year at the least? 3 years possibly?? we just don't know.

during this process, i have never seen God work more clearly in my life.
yet i have also never been so SAD and HURTING and IMPATIENT in my life.
i remember the "stress" of the paperwork part of this and thinking, "if we can just get to the 'waiting', then i'll just enjoy life and wait patiently until it's His timing for our boys to come home." ha!
the paperwork part was a BREEZE compared to this...
i have felt such an urgency the last couple weeks...yet no movement...but i wonder, one day, when we know "their" story - will this time in October 2010 be a pivotal part?? we'll see...
it doesn't help that the process has changed umpteen times since we started the Rwanda program.
but it DOES help that we KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is with us and with those boys and we {well, i will...pat will endure my crying :-)} will press on until His will is done.
i also know now that Satan is against us. he is fighting tooth and nail to discourage me...to make me ineffective...to turn me from the One that can comfort and strengthen and love me. he has won battle after battle. but he will NOT win in the end and i am certain of that.

 

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." 

Joshua 1:9

and i'm out of pictures.
so, that's the end of the update.
i feel like there's more but i need to run...