adoption update

i don't think i can....

*go another day with no news.
*go another week without hearing something.
*ache for my boys another thanksgiving...or christmas...or summer...

i haven't shared much lately about the adoption. mostly because there isn't much to share.
but also because i don't like what there IS to share.
i can't remember exactly what i have shared and i'm too lazy to go back and see...so i'm going to re-cap from way back.

there have only been a handful of adoptions out of rwanda this year and NONE the last half of the year.
ok. we need a cute picture now {snot and oreo :-)}. that's too much already...

deep breath.
ok.
so, end of august 2010 (exactly 1 yr after we began this process...) rwanda closed to international adoption.
to become a part of the hague convention {i do remember talking about this...it IS a good thing...just not super fun that we were "in process" when it happened}

nerve-wracking at first. but once they said they would process all the paperwork they had, the hope that our boys would be home "soon" was still there.
as days turned into weeks and weeks have turned into months...the hope is hard to find.

we hear SO little from rwanda...from the government...from the orphanage.
i KNOW africa does things differently. and i KNOW it will all happen in His timing. i'm just telling you how it feels. FRUSTRATING!!! like, i literally want to SCREAM frustrating!

there was a short period of time about a month ago that was super hard {remember...the darkness??}
during that time, we were encouraged to switch countries...to ethiopia.
at the time, i was SO hopeless and frustrated with the rwanda process that i was seriously considering it.
to list out the pro's and con's of the two, it's a no-brainer.
ethiopia would be faster, easier to take our children, we would have more medical info on the children we would be adopting.
my {very wise} husband stopped my emotional reaction and said we would pray about it for...{i was thinking like 2 hours? or 2 days?} 2 months.
we've decided to pray about it until the end of january.

BUT, i can honestly say that even in the time we've been praying, God has been clear so far that this is the road He wants us on. our children are in Rwanda. my heart is there. i ACHE to walk into that blue gate and see my children for the first time. it's been little things. one example: JUST when i think maybe we should switch, i'll be sent a random link to a blog of someone that was in Rwanda last week for a trip and posted ABOUT THE ORPHANAGE AND THE KIDS THERE! it's like when i'm focusing on "details" and "logistics", He reminds me it's about THEM...the children that He has for us.

and i've been convicted to be PATIENT. to WAIT. to TRUST.
ugh.
i'm not that great at ANY of those...especially when they don't go along with "my plan."

we raked leaves yesterday afternoon.
we really only have to do this 1, maybe 2 days a year. we only have a few trees.
i SO clearly remember this day last year.
we had JUST finished our home study.
it felt like SUCH a huge step.
there was so much HOPE and excitement!

the emotions from last year hit me like a ton of bricks as we got out there yesterday {this journey is like this. i NEVER know when my emotions are going to knock me over. it's crazy.}
i spent the whole time TRYING to enjoy our time.
and TRYING not to fall on the ground in a mess of tears.
because this year, the hope is just a small flicker.
the road is so fuzzy and unknown....and LONG...

{LOVE this picture!!}

so, there you have it.
the "update".
to summarize: yes, we are still adopting. from Rwanda. we are still number #71 of #150 families waiting to be approved and referred children by the government {a few families DID get approved last month...but our numbers haven't been updated, nor have they received referrals}. we think about them and pray for them every day. our kids ask about them and why it is taking so long. our family doesn't feel complete and our arms ache to hold them.

i KNOW parts of this don't make sense.
WHY can't i just enjoy and embrace where i am today?
i KNOW once we bring our children home it is going to ROCK our family and i'll look back on these days as being "so easy."
i want to...to enjoy and savor this {and i do sometimes}
it is a battle.
between myself and God.
between MY plan and His.
i KNOW His is best...yet i still fight it.

thankfully, i do feel like my heart is switching gears.
i'm coming to grips with the fact that our children won't be home "soon."
and i'm enjoying the moments of our days WAY more than i was a month or so ago.
PRAISE HIM for His patience and gentleness with my stubborn heart.

this is quite a roller-coaster, ya'll.
i had NO idea.
i wouldn't trade it for the world but it's BY FAR been the hardest thing i've ever been through.
and the sweetest.
God has been more real to me these past 15 months than ever before.

as good as it feels to be coming out of a low-point, i'm fairly certain that there will be more.
that doesn't feel so good.
the fact that one of the ONLY things i'm certain of in all of this is that it's going to be REALLY really hard.
but, i will go. because He's asked us to. we will wait. we will pray. we will ache. until we have them home.

but, seriously, i NEED to hear something tomorrow. i CAN'T go another week with NO news! ;-)