it's my party and i'll cry if i want to

happy birthday to me!
it's been a good day. just with my *little* family.
they all did such sweet things to make me feel so special.
i am blessed.
VERY blessed.
no pictures. because i'm the only one that takes them. and i wasn't in the mood to beg someone else to.

had a wonderful night out with pat last night.
i am a rich woman - having him next to me in this life.

but, can i be honest?
:-)
{you know i will be!}

i've kind of been a mess!

i have found myself escaping to the living room to try to hold in the tears more than once this weekend.
i am not even sure why.
there are just so MANY emotions...they just all want to come pouring out!

there are 2 major things going on.

first, my foot.
i know. i'm sick of hearing about it. so i'm sure you are too.
but...it's effected {effecting!} SO much!
it was a GORGEOUS day here and it would have been my FAVORITE thing to go for a walk with my family on my birthday. but, instead, we were sitting in the family room watching golf {i HATE golf!} that made me cry. it just made me sad!
i just don't feel like myself. since i can't DO what i DO!
i'm sick of it. over it. i want to walk and run and play again!

second, and MUCH more important, OUR APPROVAL!!!

SO many emotions surrounding this!
i often wondered...before we got our approval...what it felt like "on this side" of things.
it's amazing.
the first 2 days i was in shock.
but, since then, emotions wash over me in waves.

there is the wave of RELIEF...this approval is HUGE. we gathered all the paperwork for it for 9 months. then sent if off and waited 10 more months. there were no guarantee's. there was no timeline. BUT IT'S DONE! we are approved! WHOO-HOO!!! RELIEF!

there is the wave of joy. just joy. {that's a good one!}

there is the wave of stress. starting to let all the details and logistics of travel, etc start to parade through my mind. wow. that one  isn't so fun. and i mostly just keep pushing it down. i'll deal with it eventually. i did start crying in a near panic attack over it the other day. unfortunately i was swimming at the time. it's really weird to cry while you're swimming. you actually can't do it. you'll choke.

there is the wave of thankfulness. thankful to all that have put up with me thus far :-) thankfulness to the Rwandan government for approving us. thankfulness to Him for setting us on this journey. MANY things to be thankful for.

there is the wave of fear. "what are we doing??" can we really do this? {pat informed me, that, similar to when i was pregnant and voiced the same concerns, "there's no choice now. we just do it." :-) see? he's so GREAT! {slight sarcasm} really, though. near panic attacks on this front, too. but...God has CLEARLY brought us to this point, so i find it relatively easy to stop myself and hand it all right over to Him. that's all i know to do!

and, for those of you in this journey. i have a warning:

BRING KLEENEXES TO CHURCH THE FIRST SUNDAY AFTER YOU GET YOUR APPROVAL!

man. i was NOT prepared this morning! from the first word of the first song i was a MESS!
SO many sundays i've stood there...singing those songs to those guitars and drums and those voices as i was silently praying and pleading as we made the decision to adopt and submitted our paperwork and waited and waited. He's spoken to me in such tangible ways in those moments. and, today?? there was just...i don't even know! THANKFULNESS doesn't even seem to capture it. HE DOES WHAT HE PROMISES HE WILL DO. i know, we're not done yet. they aren't in our arms yet. but, wow. i can't imagine what it is going to feel like when they ARE in our arms.