my thanksgiving week post

{i am fully aware that this post might make you hate me...many times over. that's fine. i get it. please, just be kind with your hate...}

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." ~ Melody Beattie

stole the above quote from my friend, christy. thanks, girl.
i LIKE the quote.
but i'm having a hard time with it also.
i don't have acceptance or order or clarity...or peace or a vision.

i think, if i was going to be totally honest, i'm having a hard time being thankful.
which is why i'm having a hard time with the quote.
i KNOW i have COUNTLESS reasons to be thankful:
my Lord and Savior that loves me, gave His life for me AND continues to patiently guide me through this life
my wonderful husband
my 4 precious, healthy children
our beautiful home
wonderful neighborhood
countless friends near and far
loving extended family
the list goes on and on...

yet my heart IS NOT THANKFUL.

{some sweetness amidst all this ugliness...spontaneous dessert being made on monday night, because we CAN! :-)}

i thought i was doing better.
actually, i know i'm doing a little better.
but this week my heart is slipping..."Thanksgiving" has hit me hard.
i've always loved it. the family...the love...time to reflect on what we're thankful for.
{since i'm being honest...i actually don't like the FOOD at thanksgiving. lots of "mushy" stuff...and i have a thing with "mushy". i'm making brownies to bring...and looking forward to the little bowls of hershey's kisses my aunt always has out :-)}
anyways...i'm basically being a little stubborn brat. stomping my feet. flailing around on the ground and saying,
"i KNOW You know what's best. i KNOW You've made it clear. but THIS IS NOT MY WAY and I WANT MY WAY!"

it is hard for me to be thankful when the thing i want the most is out of my hands. 
completely.
and i have NO control.

as i look back over the last few months, some things are clear:
-our adoption is going to take longer than we thought
-He is with us
-He has clearly told us to WAIT. 
-sometimes, even when He is VERY, VERY real to me...things are still VERY, VERY hard.

{the panter's came over yesterday and we finished passing out the flyers...then played at a playground}

{these 2 are too much. yes, i made bailey's shirt. i LOVE it. yes, i know it's not thanksgiving yet. they get to dress themselves when there isn't school...}

{joshua and sophie - i think...}

me and holly

i so wanted this week to be good. to be sweet and simple.
it probably has been for my kids.
i've been home. WE'VE been home.
we've played and laughed and had little to no schedule.
but my heart has been a mess. and i'm sure that's coming through some.

yesterday morning we were at the dr office. bailey had been complaining about her ear hurting for 3 days so i finally took her in. we were in that little office for 40 minutes waiting for the dr to come in. i was pacing {well, kinda doing the box step because that was as much room as i had} and thought i was going to go INsANE if that dr didn't walk in NOW!


the second she walked in, all that frustration and anger went away.
gone.
and we moved onto the appt and why we were there.
{she does have an ear infection!}

i KNOW that will be the case with all this waiting for our adoption.
i KNOW when we get to the other side, this "waiting" will seem like nothing.
i'll probably have a hard time remembering it one day {hard to imagine...}

yet, even that knowledge doesn't really help.
just makes me feel more psycho for the way i feel today.

{7:45 am today. not rushing off to school or the gym...just playing :-)}

so, since i am not that excited about thanksgiving...i decided maybe we should just move onto christmas.
we put away the fall decorations.
we pulled up some of the christmas boxes and set some stuff out and put some music on.
the kids loved it.

bottom line: the holidays are going to be rough this year. i'm not sure i can do this.

happy thanksgiving! :-)

adoption update

i don't think i can....

*go another day with no news.
*go another week without hearing something.
*ache for my boys another thanksgiving...or christmas...or summer...

i haven't shared much lately about the adoption. mostly because there isn't much to share.
but also because i don't like what there IS to share.
i can't remember exactly what i have shared and i'm too lazy to go back and see...so i'm going to re-cap from way back.

there have only been a handful of adoptions out of rwanda this year and NONE the last half of the year.
ok. we need a cute picture now {snot and oreo :-)}. that's too much already...

deep breath.
ok.
so, end of august 2010 (exactly 1 yr after we began this process...) rwanda closed to international adoption.
to become a part of the hague convention {i do remember talking about this...it IS a good thing...just not super fun that we were "in process" when it happened}

nerve-wracking at first. but once they said they would process all the paperwork they had, the hope that our boys would be home "soon" was still there.
as days turned into weeks and weeks have turned into months...the hope is hard to find.

we hear SO little from rwanda...from the government...from the orphanage.
i KNOW africa does things differently. and i KNOW it will all happen in His timing. i'm just telling you how it feels. FRUSTRATING!!! like, i literally want to SCREAM frustrating!

there was a short period of time about a month ago that was super hard {remember...the darkness??}
during that time, we were encouraged to switch countries...to ethiopia.
at the time, i was SO hopeless and frustrated with the rwanda process that i was seriously considering it.
to list out the pro's and con's of the two, it's a no-brainer.
ethiopia would be faster, easier to take our children, we would have more medical info on the children we would be adopting.
my {very wise} husband stopped my emotional reaction and said we would pray about it for...{i was thinking like 2 hours? or 2 days?} 2 months.
we've decided to pray about it until the end of january.

BUT, i can honestly say that even in the time we've been praying, God has been clear so far that this is the road He wants us on. our children are in Rwanda. my heart is there. i ACHE to walk into that blue gate and see my children for the first time. it's been little things. one example: JUST when i think maybe we should switch, i'll be sent a random link to a blog of someone that was in Rwanda last week for a trip and posted ABOUT THE ORPHANAGE AND THE KIDS THERE! it's like when i'm focusing on "details" and "logistics", He reminds me it's about THEM...the children that He has for us.

and i've been convicted to be PATIENT. to WAIT. to TRUST.
ugh.
i'm not that great at ANY of those...especially when they don't go along with "my plan."

we raked leaves yesterday afternoon.
we really only have to do this 1, maybe 2 days a year. we only have a few trees.
i SO clearly remember this day last year.
we had JUST finished our home study.
it felt like SUCH a huge step.
there was so much HOPE and excitement!

the emotions from last year hit me like a ton of bricks as we got out there yesterday {this journey is like this. i NEVER know when my emotions are going to knock me over. it's crazy.}
i spent the whole time TRYING to enjoy our time.
and TRYING not to fall on the ground in a mess of tears.
because this year, the hope is just a small flicker.
the road is so fuzzy and unknown....and LONG...

{LOVE this picture!!}

so, there you have it.
the "update".
to summarize: yes, we are still adopting. from Rwanda. we are still number #71 of #150 families waiting to be approved and referred children by the government {a few families DID get approved last month...but our numbers haven't been updated, nor have they received referrals}. we think about them and pray for them every day. our kids ask about them and why it is taking so long. our family doesn't feel complete and our arms ache to hold them.

i KNOW parts of this don't make sense.
WHY can't i just enjoy and embrace where i am today?
i KNOW once we bring our children home it is going to ROCK our family and i'll look back on these days as being "so easy."
i want to...to enjoy and savor this {and i do sometimes}
it is a battle.
between myself and God.
between MY plan and His.
i KNOW His is best...yet i still fight it.

thankfully, i do feel like my heart is switching gears.
i'm coming to grips with the fact that our children won't be home "soon."
and i'm enjoying the moments of our days WAY more than i was a month or so ago.
PRAISE HIM for His patience and gentleness with my stubborn heart.

this is quite a roller-coaster, ya'll.
i had NO idea.
i wouldn't trade it for the world but it's BY FAR been the hardest thing i've ever been through.
and the sweetest.
God has been more real to me these past 15 months than ever before.

as good as it feels to be coming out of a low-point, i'm fairly certain that there will be more.
that doesn't feel so good.
the fact that one of the ONLY things i'm certain of in all of this is that it's going to be REALLY really hard.
but, i will go. because He's asked us to. we will wait. we will pray. we will ache. until we have them home.

but, seriously, i NEED to hear something tomorrow. i CAN'T go another week with NO news! ;-)

the rest of us

in case you are worried that the rest of my family is suffering terribly for my crazy, awful attitude lately...they aren't. everyone is actually doing really well and there's still been a lot of fun and smiles and laughter around here lately!

bailey and sawyer are LOVING the basement these days. we go through spells.
sawyer LOVES his trains and bailey, well, she just loves anything {except socks that tickle her}

the other morning, i ran upstairs and made their lunch and felt "fun" so i brought it down to them and they ate it laying on their stomachs in the basement. i even let sawyer feed himself his applesauce. which was all fine and good til...

he rolled over and tried to put it in his mouth while laying on his back. i remember when applesauce all over a shirt, neck, face and carpet would have gotten me upset. not anymore. i laughed and cleaned it up and fed him the rest of the applesauce myself :-)

i had a headache from 5 pm sunday night until 2 pm yesterday afternoon. almost 3 full days. IT.WAS.AWFUL! it's so hard to function when you have a headache.

i couldn't take all the bags of halloween candy around here {meaning: i have NO self-control and needed it gone or else i was going to gain 20 pounds}

so, the other afternoon i gave each kid a bag and let them pick 10 pieces of candy. i told them they could eat the candy WHENEVER they wanted. they could eat it all right then. or for breakfast the next day. whatever. but when it was gone, it's gone. they have TOTALLY been so "controlled" about it! one piece when they get home, one piece after dinner. NO one has had any for breakfast! i'm amazed!

the rest of the candy is gone.

so, are my kids the only kids that pretend to be poor?
they were running in and out of the house the other afternoon. gathering "supplies" for whatever "game" they were playing. i asked one of them as they ran past me making dinner, "what are you guys playing?"

"we are poor people. we have a shelter on the ground. and we walk to the river to get water."
all said with a sweet smile on their face.
not like a "i have no idea what i'm talking about" smile.
but a "i know there are people like this in the world and i love them and respect them enough to acknowledge what their life is like" smile.

joshua was doing this.
HE.LOVES.TO.LEARN.
it's crazy.

oh look! sawyer caught a fish in the river!!!!
i love my kids.

i pretty much read a book a week.
the last 2 weeks i read Mockingjay and Choosing to See.
VERY different books.
loved them both.

my friend, Tisha, posted about this awhile ago.
i finally got around to doing it.
she used pretty beads.
i used pasta.
each jar represents the number of days until each child turns 18.
there are only 3215 days for rebekah.
i take one out a day...and we'll cook and eat them as we go. :-)
so practical, i am.
this is not to countdown until they are gone.
this is to be reminded how little time i really have with each of them and to TRULY make EACH day count.
once that pasta {day} is gone, it's gone!

we are having some pretty perfect fall days here lately.
and i'm trying to take advantage of them.
we've gone to a different playground every day.
i LOVE my mornings with these 2.
i think ages 1 1/2-5 yrs is my favorite age range.
the babies kill me.
and the older kids make me feel so inadequate.

toddlers are just so EASY to please.
yes, they throw temper tantrums and pee in their pants over and over.
but, say to them, "hey! is that a rock?"
and the temper tantrum is over and they are all smiles.
it's just sweet. i love it.

God is so good to me.
He's so very patient. and gentle.
sawyer and bailey have both been whining/complaining a lot this week {combo of weekend with the grandparents AND daylight savings time} and i have been SO frustrated.
but i was reminded today, that's TOTALLY what i've been doing with God lately.
whining, complaining, whining, complaining.
our adoption journey is NOT turning out how i "thought" it would.
i had this "plan" in my head and it's just not working out that way.
i have fought it and argued with God and tried to reason :-) with Him.
and He's been silent.
or He's gently told me "no" and "wait" and "be patient".
and i never let that get to my heart.
i whine and complain and whine and complain.
oh, how frustrating i must be to Him.

but, just like i continue to love and teach and mold and forgive my children for their whining and complaining, so does my God.

His never-ending grace and love is amazing.
and He sends little snippets of encouragement that could ONLY be from Him my way at just the right times.
today He LITERALLY sent me a hug at a playground. for REAL. my eyes are still bugging out probably.
i mean, it was so great to see her. BUT, more than that, it was FROM HIM!
i am so so thankful.
i feel like, maybe, i'm finally hearing what He's trying to teach me.

and my heart is singing again.
i'm excited when i wake up.
to see what the day holds.
to welcome my children to their day.
to think ahead and dream and love and LIVE.

i don't think i'll ever be quite the same.
the scars from the lessons are there to remind me.
my heart beats deeper.
but i hope it means that i will also love deeper.

{sawyer loves chocolate chip pancakes}

man, life is hard.
but He is bigger than all of it.

and life is good.
we're still smiling.
how could we not??

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." 

James 1:17