news

we found out yesterday that we have to wait longer to get to our boys.
at this point it will most likely be next summer before we can go and get them.
{it was an afternoon of that plus the dishwasher breaking plus our computer having a virus plus pat working late plus a couple other things not going as planned but THIS was definitely the hardest part...the rest just fed my emotions. it was all i could do to get my kids to bed without either screaming at them or breaking down and sobbing.}

i'm mad and frustrated and disappointed.

but, mostly, i'm so sad.
so, so sad.

i'm telling myself that it's all out of my control.
and it's all in His perfect timing.
and i have 4 beautiful children to mother.
WHY am i in such a rush to add 2 more??

why??
because they are already MINE!

for those that have been pregnant, once you find out, you just can't wait to meet them, right??

well, i'm "pregnant" in my heart with these 2 boys {i never understood this before...how you can really feel so strongly for a child that you've never SEEN! now i do.} and i just can't wait to meet them.

we were told up front this would happen.
the rwanda program is new.
delays are to be expected.

but it doesn't make it any easier.

i feel lonely in this.
i need some REAL encouragement right now.
this is hard.
i've cried numerous times today.
{i let myself listen to "How Great is Our God" by Shane Bernard with the African Children's Choir...not good...ugly crying...}
i'm battling a migraine which i think is being caused by my hurting heart fighting with my practical mind. they are NOT agreeing.

many of you won't understand this.
but i want to share this whole journey with you.

it's been amazing.
and beautiful.
but it's also heart-wrenching.