weekend away

here i am.
24 hours into my time away.

God has met me. oh, so clearly.
and i'm thankful.
and in awe.

i want to get some thoughts down so i can leave them behind and move forward.
but i never want to forget.
i want to be able to remember.
because this is His story.

i have struggled deeply for 6 months.
things have been dark.
joy has been hard to find.
i have felt suffocated and stunted by this adoption process.
ineffective in everything i do.

when we started, it was His.
He called us to it. it was terrifying to us.
but we obeyed.
things were that clear and simple at that point.

as we moved forward, He confirmed our obedience.
i can still taste the sweetness of those days.
nothing like it.
the excitement of following Him where He was leading us was like nothing else.

but that excitement {and i just realized this TODAY...probably a YEAR after it initially happened} that started with Him...and His plan and His glory playing out in our lives somehow got misplaced.

i started placing that excitement on our adoption. on our sons in Rwanda. and what the adoption process meant for us.

our adoption became my god.



oh, how that hurts my heart to write.
deeply.

but...i have already cried my eyes out, prayed my heart out and thanked Him for his forgiveness of me.
He has welcomed me back with open arms.

my God is my God.
whether we switch countries and we adopt children from somewhere other than Rwanda, He is my God and He will be with us.
whether is takes 4 more years to adopt our children from Rwanda, He is my God and He will be with us.
whether we NEVER adopt any children, He is my God and He will be with us.

my joy is in HIM.
not in adoption.
it started out "right" and "good"...He delights in us following His will and call on our lives.
but, i lost sight of Him...of His goodness and love for me - NO MATTER WHAT my circumstances are.