weekend away

here i am.
24 hours into my time away.

God has met me. oh, so clearly.
and i'm thankful.
and in awe.

i want to get some thoughts down so i can leave them behind and move forward.
but i never want to forget.
i want to be able to remember.
because this is His story.

i have struggled deeply for 6 months.
things have been dark.
joy has been hard to find.
i have felt suffocated and stunted by this adoption process.
ineffective in everything i do.

when we started, it was His.
He called us to it. it was terrifying to us.
but we obeyed.
things were that clear and simple at that point.

as we moved forward, He confirmed our obedience.
i can still taste the sweetness of those days.
nothing like it.
the excitement of following Him where He was leading us was like nothing else.

but that excitement {and i just realized this TODAY...probably a YEAR after it initially happened} that started with Him...and His plan and His glory playing out in our lives somehow got misplaced.

i started placing that excitement on our adoption. on our sons in Rwanda. and what the adoption process meant for us.

our adoption became my god.



oh, how that hurts my heart to write.
deeply.

but...i have already cried my eyes out, prayed my heart out and thanked Him for his forgiveness of me.
He has welcomed me back with open arms.

my God is my God.
whether we switch countries and we adopt children from somewhere other than Rwanda, He is my God and He will be with us.
whether is takes 4 more years to adopt our children from Rwanda, He is my God and He will be with us.
whether we NEVER adopt any children, He is my God and He will be with us.

my joy is in HIM.
not in adoption.
it started out "right" and "good"...He delights in us following His will and call on our lives.
but, i lost sight of Him...of His goodness and love for me - NO MATTER WHAT my circumstances are.

a low-key day that i don't think i'll forget

yesterday was a very low-key day.
i let sawyer stay in his pj's all day long. mostly because they were so cute on him.
it was a sacrifice...taking him to the bathroom in those was NOT easy.
but worth it to me for the cuteness :-)

he is loving this car racing track this week.
and plays with it over and over and over.

he's very particular about which cars race each other.

and has the patience to set is all up just so.
i have some lessons to learn from my 2 year old.

then, once they race down the track, he races to see where they ended up.

and proceeds to line them up on the opposite wall.
no "winners" or "losers" - just a line of the cars that have raced.

i walked into the dining room at one point and these 2 were like this.
sawyer doesn't get that close to bailey very often :-) so i had to document it!

as you can see, it was a pretty low-key day...full of important events like car racing and hugging on the dining room floor.

but...i think february 10, 2011 will be an important day when i look back, so i want to put some thoughts down to remember it.

it's been a hard week (let's be honest...it's been a hard 6 months or so!) and i began praying on monday for God to be REAL to me...for Him to show Himself to me in a REAL way. i wasn't testing Him. i KNOW He's with me. i was just in such a hard place and needed something more from Him. i was confident that He would answer my prayer.

and He did.

of course, not in a way that i was hoping.


but He answered. of course He did!

it was unexpected. it was just a phone call. from someone i've spent very little time with in the grand scheme of things. it was just a 30 minute conversation. a conversation that came on the tails of so many other conversations i've had and thoughts i've read and scripture that was echoing in my head that were all leading up to this moment. a moment where i was given HOPE.


it was His answer to my prayer. 
what was said in the conversation was SO important to my heart and soul.
i was flailing and working so HARD...yet i had no direction.
i've been given clear direction and TRUTH and i'm so thankful.

{i'm not trying to be vague...it's just so personal that i think if i tried to explain it, it wouldn't make sense. i'm not even sure pat understood when i tried to explain it to him last night. it makes more sense to talk about it generally like this.}

i'm exhausted from this week.
i have a lot to process. and a lot to give to Him.
and a lot to be thankful for.

i know those of you that i asked to pray specifically...were...thank you.
i pray you are blessed by hearing the answer to your prayers.

i've gone from hopeless to hopeful.
and that is something to remember, don't you think?