weary of waiting

i'm so sick of the roller coaster of emotions i go through every day.
all because of that one piece of paper we're waiting to receive in the mail!

i have no idea when to expect it...since we had to send that addendum, i just don't know what the timeframe is now.

every day i try to tell myself to just not expect it.
but i can't help getting a little expectant when i get the mail...and then disappointed when it's not there.

i'm weary of waiting...and we haven't even started the REAL waiting yet.
that will start once all our paperwork is in Rwanda!

thankful that i'm going to get a break from my mailbox roller coaster for the next week.
and we have some fun adoption related news to share once we get back and i have the time to tell you about it!

car is packed...
a long run and baseball practice in the morning
{and hopefully time for me to sweep the floor...you know how i am :-)}
and then we head out around lunchtime.

it killed Him

"My friends, adoption is redemption. It's costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him."

Derek Loux

i needed to read this quote today...it validated some of the feelings i'm feeling...

surrender

i am not a writer.
normally i just type and "publish post" and off i go...

but this is very close to my heart...and it's been big and i want to do it justice...so i pray i can communicate in a way that you will understand and, hopefully, relate!

i have had an easy life.
born into a wonderful family.
have been loved by my immediate family, my extended family, and friends every step of my life.
i've been a Christian since i was 4 years old and have never doubted God...never struggled with "is He who He says He is?"
once i believed it, i BELIEVED it.
i have loved Him as long as i can remember.
i've said things like, "i trust Him", "He is in control", "i have faith that He knows why this is happening"...and really meant them...deep, deep down inside.

i found a husband early...earlier than some thought i should. :-)
we've had 4 healthy children.
God has provided Pat with a job that allows me to stay home.
we have a home and food and are never in "need."

i have no idea why i've had it so easy.
i feel guilty about it.
i've spent years not wanting to admit it.
and i'm finally realizing that is silly.
this is my story.
why am i not screaming it from the rooftops??
i would desire that kind of story for my children, wouldn't i??
it's not about me.
it's about Him...His grace and mercy and goodness have been just as present in my life as in someone with a much "harder" story.

i don't have a huge "thing" to be the "plot thickener" and catalyst to my story...that might keep you turning the pages...but my easy life has caused me to do something for 30+ years that is just becoming clear to me...but first, a little more about this past weekend...

i am pretty guarded with people...i don't show my emotions and have a hard time being very open in person {you might have a hard time believing that if you just know me here...i find it much easier to type/write my feelings than say them}

i also am not very emotional. i'm pretty strong and take life/days/circumstances as they come and deal with them in a logical way. i'm motivated and driven and don't struggle with busy, full, crazy days. i actually think i thrive on them. i love my life. i'm where i always wanted to be.

the last couple weeks i've been a different person...anytime i opened my mouth to talk to someone...anyone...i cried...sobbed...and had no control over it. {sorry...those of you that had to listen to me blabber on and on!} i've been so emotional...and not very guarded. yet completely confused about what was going on in my mind and heart.

this weekend was really, really good.
i knew it would be.
God cleared some stuff up for me.
and i can see now why the Enemy was trying so hard for me not to be there!

this weekend was about ME and HIM.
and it had been way too long.
i'm often seeking His will for my life...asking Him to help me be a better wife and mom and friend and on and on...

but i had forgotten about just being HIS daughter.

and seeking who He wants ME to be...for HIM.

and opening my tight-clenched hand on who I want to be for Him...and truly asking Him who HE wants me to be.

when i was trying to explain this to Pat last night {i'm horrible at communicating things in words...} he asked me, "So, do you feel like you've been disconnected from God and now you're not?" and I said, "No. I have felt very connected to God. I haven't felt disconnected from Him over these past few weeks that have been hard. I feel like He's taking me to a new level. And that's scary." He smiled and said, "Yes. Scary...but good."

for my entire life i have struggled with wanting to do things on my own.
the hard part about that is that almost all of the time, i can do life on my own.
i'm pretty capable.
i have to choose to hand it over to Him.
i have rarely been forced to hand it over to Him.

He's been working on that in me...and made it crystal clear this past weekend...that I need to surrender it all...every moment of every day...to Him. my day might still look the same. yet my spirit will be different...because it will be led by His spirit.

and i'm going to admit something.
i'm terrified about what life is going to look like with 6 kids.
we are walking into an "unknown" that is very scary to me.
4 kids was "my plan"...but this is God's plan :-)
i know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God has called us to this.
i'm excited about it.
I.CAN.NOT.WAIT to get my hands on those sweet boys.
but, i'm not going to deny that it's going to be hard...and it's going to put me WAY out of my comfort zone.

we are determined to do this well.
not "well" in the world's standards...but how HE wants us to...
we don't want to just swoop into another continent and take 2 precious children and waltz back home and move on.
we want to see God there.
to feel Him.
to not let the stress and jet lag and, likely, sickness consume us...but to allow our children's hearts to experience the hugeness of a God that adopted us into His family...even through problems and pain...He did it for us...we will do it for Him.

once we are home, as a family of 8, we want to take each day as it comes.
relying on Him to get us through.
not living by our own lists and priorities and plowing through...but by His desire for our moments.
we only have this moment...and i need to do a better job seeking His will for this moment.

i am NOT trying to romanticize this whole thing.
if anything, i think the reality of our future is hitting me.

i think my life is about to end being "easy" and i'm going to have to rely on HIS strength and grace every moment of the day and He's maybe, just maybe, getting me ready for that???

i'm ready and willing.
with Him at my side, walking alongside me, and carrying me when i can't even walk...i can do it.

He told me that this weekend.
i had struggled and cried and prayed and heard and sought and He told me,
"I've got it, Courtney. I've got it ALL."

i believed Him.
i did.
but i had to smile when our speaker walked on the stage on Sunday morning for our last session wearing a shirt that said, "147 Million Orphans" in huge letters across the front.

it was like Him underlining what He'd been telling my heart all weekend...SURRENDER IT ALL to me...I'm here and I've got you in My hands."

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”

if you have any questions about anything i've said, please ask.
i've grown up in the church and reading the Bible and i try not to use "religious" phrases that someone that hasn't grown up in the church wouldn't understand, but i still might and i'm sorry.

oh...and our speaker this weekend was AMAZING!
Kelly Minter...she writes beautiful music and amazing Bible studies for women...you should definitely check her out!
and if you ever have the opportunity to hear her sing or speak...RUN there!

ok.
i know it's been kinda heavy and deep around here lately.
hopefully i'll be back to taking pictures and posting fun, silly stuff soon!!!