latest conversation with Pat

i've tried to stop bringing "it" (adoption) up everytime we have a few minutes just the 2 of us.
it's been a couple months since we've talked about it.
partly because life has been crazy.
but mostly because i made a conscious decision not to talk about it.
{oh, i've been thinking and praying...just not talking :-)}

two weekends ago we went on a date.
i brought it up.
something along the lines of, "this is always on my mind. what do we do? i feel like we just move forward and allow God to open and close doors as we go. He's not going to write it in the sky. we have to DO something. what do you think?"
he said, "i agree. let's move forward."
!!!!!!
my heart was about to burst out of my chest!!!!
then he said, "i'm just scared."
that would be a normal statement. totally normal.
but he didn't mean it like you might think.
i mean, as much as i think about it, i am SCARED...TERRIFIED...

this is what he said,
"i'm scared that if the doors close. or it doesn't work out, you are going to be devastated."
oh, how he knows me. so well.

{i can picture it. 2 weeks later. i can still picture it. it was our first time riding in his new car together, just the 2 of us. and then we were walking into target as we finished this conversation.}

but that's when i said, {WHILE praying that i'm sincere and can really live this out},
"i can't be devastated. God is in this. whether we end up adopting, or just going through the process, God is in this. i trust that. and i can't be devastated if it doesn't turn out like i think it will."

so, i have the go ahead.
to pursue.
but now i don't know what to do!
where do i start??