adoption is not cute...but he is

this is going to be a long post.
i'm going to give the update on our adoption process.
and how i feel about it.
and there will be some cute pictures...of a certain little 2 yr old :-)
just to keep you smiling!

the monday before we left for the beach {where we got evacuated from the hurricane} we heard that Rwanda was closing it's doors to international adoption.

ugh.

what?!? at that point we hadn't heard anything from our agency...so it was hard news to hear but we were waiting for "official" news to truly react.

the next day {that was a LONG 24 hours} we heard from our agency that Rwanda WAS closing to international adoption. but everyone that had their paperwork in by Aug 31 "would still be processed as usual." so, that meant we were ok. our paperwork had been there for 3 months by then...

and they are closing so that they can become a part of the Hague Convention. which basically means they will put more regulations/standards in place that will better for the orphans and adoptive parents in the long run. it's good. it's just hard to be in the middle of it.

AND there were so many people that didn't have their paperwork done...they were still putting it all together...and it was VERY hard for them to process what this meant for their journeys.

adoption is not cute, ya'll.
it's a lot of things.
but cute is not one of them.


{but he IS cute! we actually sat on the couch today to read our books before naptime. and i used my fancy little remote to take our picture :-)}

no, adoption isn't cute.
but it's a LOT of other things...it's God's heart...it's encouragement from friends and family coming in the mail and in shop orders and in conversations...it's bailey asking the "dark-skinned man" that was checking us out at Sam's if he was from Africa? and then telling him she's going there (!) to get her 2 brothers. "and they are dark-skinned, too!"

but it hasn't been easy.
it's been scary and hard and long.

i have moments where i question how i will mother 2 more.
when i sometimes feel like i do an awful job mothering the 4 i already have.
i have moments where i'm sick of waiting and telling myself the "right things"...like "it's His timing" and all that...

but none of those moments lasts long.
they really don't.
He's so quick to bring me back to Himself...to His heart and His lap.
to hold me and gently remind me that it's not ME and MY PLAN.
that this is all about Him.
it always has been and it always will be.


{after i took that first picture, he looked up and said, "ooooo, pic-ur!" and i took another one! :-)}

so...our paperwork is going to be processed "as usual."
what in the world does THAT mean??
that's the million dollar question!
at this point the "wait" is 13 months from when you get your paperwork in.
but each month that goes by with no paperwork being processed makes that wait time longer.

after months of complete silence...
there has been some rumblings coming from Rwanda.
they have begun giving us numbers...we are #71 in line (which means there are 70 families in front of us waiting for their children).
they haven't finished numbering everyone...we are estimating there are about 100 families total.
but those numbers don't really mean much either.
especially when you consider that about 14 families a year have adopted from Rwanda for the last few years {those are NOT exact statistics...just an estimate from what i remember of what i've read...the point is that there have NOT been anywhere close to 100 adoptions!}
does that mean we have to wait 5 years or something??
we don't know...we sure hope not!
our selfish prayer is that they would crank through all those dossiers piled up over there so that they can move onto getting Hague approved.

once the next set of approvals/referrals comes through it might give us some info...but maybe not.

see?? NOT cute! :-)

{then he reached up and put his sweet little hand around my neck and said, "'gain! pic-ur!" how could i resist?!? :-)}

a fellow "waiting mom" wrote this the other day...and it hit home.
so much truth in there...and it will help you understand the crazy emotions that i swing through practically every day.

but...one day...there will be 2 less orphans in the world because of all of this.

"One Less"...the story behind the song...wow...i love how he says, "it's a hug and a punch"
One Less by Matthew West (The Story Behind The Song) from emicmg on Vimeo.

i know that most of the time the process is more important than the end result.
i know that God is teaching us and growing us and challenging us {and you, too!} through this whole process.
i'm thankful for that...i am.
i am a different person than i was before...and that's a good thing.
BUT...the end result is going to be so, so sweet.
i really don't let myself go there very often {hardly ever} but right now, letting my heart go there...makes me want to SCREAM and CRY and LAUGH and JUMP UP AND DOWN!


oh, how i yearn for that day...

the journey won't be over.
it will actually have just begun.
but God will be with us.
and our 2 boys will be with us.
and it will probably even be cute :-)


{and one last one...i love how he points at EVERYTHING these days...and he just wants me to say what it is and then he repeats it...he is talking so much. and he's SO cute!}

His mercies, struck gold, aware and security

this should be 4 (at least) separate posts...but this week's been busy...things are piling up...and i just haven't had the time to sit and do them one at a time.

i am still in a bit of a funk.
but God's mercies are abundant.
yes, there are still hard things i'm working through...and seeing...and struggling with...
but He continues to bless me and love me and carry me just like i need to be blessed and loved and carried.

sawyer "struck gold" yesterday afternoon.
by the time he was up from his nap, the tea party with freshly made oatmeal-choc. chip cookies and cut up nectarines and apples was deserted for the new puppy across the street and it was ALL HIS! :-) can you tell he was happy??

lately i've been trying to pray more specifically...instead of "i lift up pat's day at work" i write {i write all my prayers...i have since the 7th grade. i've filled journal after journal. sure, i've gone weeks, even months without writing in it...but for the most part, i've written my prayer every morning for that past 21 years! wow!!! and they are all in a box in the basement...} anyways, back to pat's day at work...i would write, "i lift pat's day at work up to you. i pray you would encouragement him in a way today that he would KNOW comes from you...no matter how much else is going on around him."

so...yesterday morning, my specific prayer was to have a good conversation with joshua.
to really feel like we were both engaged in it. to connect to him.
he's the one i'm having the hardest time reading since school started.
he just doesn't talk much. and once they get home from school, the girls talk SO much and there's so much going on, that it's hard to feel like i even talk to him!

it was nice last year, because he didn't get on the bus til mid-morning so i had the morning to at least feel like i saw his eyes and talked to him.

i was doubtful yesterday.
i had 2 extra kids all afternoon.
how in the world would i connect with him??
but i did!
2 separate times we were in a room together alone...and he engaged me.
neither was for long...maybe 5 minutes...
and both times i had to control the tears from welling up and squirting out of my eyes.
i was just so thankful to Him for His love for me...to answer that specific prayer of mine.

we kicked the soccer ball together during rebekah's soccer practice
{and i got to that ball in time! even while taking a picture :-)}

he's so so sweet.
and so fun.
and thinks HARD.
don't know where he gets that from! :-)

sawyer and i walked up to the school and ate lunch with him once bailey got on the bus today.
i ran into bailey's teacher AND saw joshua's teacher and they both commented on how great my kids are.
they didn't have to do that.
it sure meant a lot to this mama's heart!
{and i have to admit, i've been wondering about Miss Bailey...so it reassured me a LOT!}

bailey was setting up a tea party for sawyer and i this morning.
and i looked down and sawyer's sweet little hand was just resting on my leg.
if i moved it, he scooted back over and put it back.
when i got up to get the camera and sat back down, he put it back.

there was a security there for him.
he felt SAFE when his hand was on me.
his world was GOOD.

i love that.

but all of a sudden my heart hurt.
for my boys in Rwanda.
do they have someone they can put their hand on?
a place to feel safe??
and how long will it take once they are here for them to feel safe??
this is going to be a big, scary, unknown place to them...

how i yearn for the day when one of them puts their sweet little hand on my leg...