it's back

i'm thinking about it every day again. sawyer is 3 weeks old. i admit, for about 4 weeks (the last TORTUROUS week of pregnancy and the first 3 weeks of his life) i haven't thought much about adoption.

but it's back.

had a conversation with becca, mary and ali yesterday about it. i forget who i've told my "dream" to - but i think it's slightly obvious just where my heart is...that i have such an interest in adoption/orphans/africa.

it got my heart racing again...

i haven't had too many conversations with people about it. when i do, it's pretty short and i don't REALLY share how strongly i feel about it. i guess i'm scared that it will never really happen. that maybe it's not what God wants and then i'd look "stupid" for misreading Him. but the question i've gotten consistently is "Why do you want to?"

i don't have a great argument.

all i can say is, "it feels right" - there's a huge need, i have the desire to meet it, and i trust that God will give us the resources (financial, emotional, etc) to do it. that's it. no bullet points. just "it feels right."

Rebekah

we're in my bathroom one morning, just getting ready, doing hair, etc.

i've never talked to Rebekah about my desire for adoption. she's heard about it. about other people doing it. we've prayed for families doing it. we pray for orphans...those that don't have moms and dads (and houses and clothes and water...) but never talked about it for ourselves.

Rebekah says, "Mom, i think we should adopt some kids....

from Africa...

don't you?"

yes, Rebekah, i do. you have no idea.

vision

not really into these "kinds of things" - but i still need to document it.

i had a vision this morning of twin (or very close in age) African boys in our backyard.

just saying.

to remember...

i just want to remember this...http://jodyrlanders.com/?p=1268, 3.5 weeks after bringing zeke and kora home.

i love that she shares her heart with all of us out here!!!

what the heck??

ok. it's getting late and i'm tired and probably not making sense anymore.

but, i'm sure you're thinking, "what the heck?"

you are about to have 4 kids. WHY are you thinking about adoption??

this is why:

God tells us to take care of orphans
There are millions of orphans out there
I love being a mom (and i don't think i'm too horrible at it)
We have the space
We have the resources
My heart aches for it every day - almost to the point of feeling like God is telling me to do it and i NEED to out of obedience

i'm not saying that God is telling EVERYONE to adopt and that you're sinning if you don't. but, i have learned in my Christian life, that if God is telling me to do something and i obey - i will experience HIM in a way that i wouldn't have if i hadn't obeyed His leading. I don't want to miss getting to know more of Him. this is one of the biggest reasons for me. why would i pass up a chance to see my God in a new way?? even if it's hard (which i know it will be) and even if it costs a lot (financially, physically, etc - which it will) and even if others don't understand (which i know they won't).

so, there you have it.

the beginning.
the why.

we'll see what God does from here.

one of those conversations

you know, the kind that you know you'll always remember. where you were, what you were wearing, what you were eating.

we went out to dinner to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary. pat wanted to get my engagement ring re-set as my gift. we went to a jewelry shop first. i had thought and prayed about this all week. i know that adoption (international) costs a lot of money. and i know that will be a big issue for us. i also know that pat wants to generously spend money to celebrate our 10 years together on this ring. if i had the choice of adopting vs getting a new diamond i'd choose adoption in a heartbeat. yet, we're not at that point. we're not REALLY talking about it yet. how do i communicate this??

so, we look at rings. they are beautiful. would i love a bigger diamond?? sure.

we walk across the street to baja fresh to get a drink (and nachos! YUM!!) and discuss what we saw and what i liked. i jump into this whole conversation about adopting vs a bigger diamond, blah, blah, blah. basically hit pat with something he's totally not ready for. he was amazing. listened to me completely. i knew he understood my heart (i mean, we've been together for 10 years...even though i haven't been talking about it, he knows me pretty well.) with a few words he assured me that whatever God wanted us to do, he would be in it completely. just because he had said we could adopt for our 4th and "that was it" - didn't mean he wouldn't obey something God wanted us to do.

i'll admit. i was so nervous. i want this badly. but i also know it's not about me and what i want. it's about what God is calling us to do as a family. and giving it up to Him is very scary...but freeing also.

i'll always remember that conversation. it was one of those.

our 4th child

so, i bring it up to pat. he's all for adoption...for our 4th child. but i need to be pregnant one more time. i just do. so we start trying and, obviously, get pregnant.

yet every day of this pregnancy, i think about adoption. i follow other families' adoptions closely. i pray about it. but don't talk about it at all.

if this is God's will for us, then pat will have the same desire i do. i'm not going to try to "convince" him, or manipulate him. i know that adoption is something that we both have to be "on board" 150%. we have to be ready to fight. and i can't do it on my own. so i am constantly giving it to God. praying that He would either take my desire away...or increase pat's (at this point, more like create a desire in him).

we are now days away from having our 4th child.