it's my party and i'll cry if i want to

happy birthday to me!
it's been a good day. just with my *little* family.
they all did such sweet things to make me feel so special.
i am blessed.
VERY blessed.
no pictures. because i'm the only one that takes them. and i wasn't in the mood to beg someone else to.

had a wonderful night out with pat last night.
i am a rich woman - having him next to me in this life.

but, can i be honest?
:-)
{you know i will be!}

i've kind of been a mess!

i have found myself escaping to the living room to try to hold in the tears more than once this weekend.
i am not even sure why.
there are just so MANY emotions...they just all want to come pouring out!

there are 2 major things going on.

first, my foot.
i know. i'm sick of hearing about it. so i'm sure you are too.
but...it's effected {effecting!} SO much!
it was a GORGEOUS day here and it would have been my FAVORITE thing to go for a walk with my family on my birthday. but, instead, we were sitting in the family room watching golf {i HATE golf!} that made me cry. it just made me sad!
i just don't feel like myself. since i can't DO what i DO!
i'm sick of it. over it. i want to walk and run and play again!

second, and MUCH more important, OUR APPROVAL!!!

SO many emotions surrounding this!
i often wondered...before we got our approval...what it felt like "on this side" of things.
it's amazing.
the first 2 days i was in shock.
but, since then, emotions wash over me in waves.

there is the wave of RELIEF...this approval is HUGE. we gathered all the paperwork for it for 9 months. then sent if off and waited 10 more months. there were no guarantee's. there was no timeline. BUT IT'S DONE! we are approved! WHOO-HOO!!! RELIEF!

there is the wave of joy. just joy. {that's a good one!}

there is the wave of stress. starting to let all the details and logistics of travel, etc start to parade through my mind. wow. that one  isn't so fun. and i mostly just keep pushing it down. i'll deal with it eventually. i did start crying in a near panic attack over it the other day. unfortunately i was swimming at the time. it's really weird to cry while you're swimming. you actually can't do it. you'll choke.

there is the wave of thankfulness. thankful to all that have put up with me thus far :-) thankfulness to the Rwandan government for approving us. thankfulness to Him for setting us on this journey. MANY things to be thankful for.

there is the wave of fear. "what are we doing??" can we really do this? {pat informed me, that, similar to when i was pregnant and voiced the same concerns, "there's no choice now. we just do it." :-) see? he's so GREAT! {slight sarcasm} really, though. near panic attacks on this front, too. but...God has CLEARLY brought us to this point, so i find it relatively easy to stop myself and hand it all right over to Him. that's all i know to do!

and, for those of you in this journey. i have a warning:

BRING KLEENEXES TO CHURCH THE FIRST SUNDAY AFTER YOU GET YOUR APPROVAL!

man. i was NOT prepared this morning! from the first word of the first song i was a MESS!
SO many sundays i've stood there...singing those songs to those guitars and drums and those voices as i was silently praying and pleading as we made the decision to adopt and submitted our paperwork and waited and waited. He's spoken to me in such tangible ways in those moments. and, today?? there was just...i don't even know! THANKFULNESS doesn't even seem to capture it. HE DOES WHAT HE PROMISES HE WILL DO. i know, we're not done yet. they aren't in our arms yet. but, wow. i can't imagine what it is going to feel like when they ARE in our arms.

{i'm good at waiting!}

so far.

i mean, i know it's only been a day.

but i'm GREAT at this :-)

it's like i've been given a whole new bottle of patience and hope and it's just so GREAT!
i remember feeling like this right after we turned in our paperwork last may.
so hopeful. and expectant. and beaming. and excited.

and then, as the months wore on, it wore off.
it got harder.
and the beam dimmed.
and the hope turned to despair.

i KNOW it sounds dramatic {and maybe i am...just a bit...but it's also the truth.}

this is just sweet.
it's been a good day and i'm just enjoying that.
LIFE FEELS GOOD.
and i am NOT taking that for granted.
{even if i have to hobble through it...it was a great day!}

i know we still have an unknown wait ahead of us.

but, so far, i'm handling it beautifully!
{i hope you can sense the slight sarcasm...}

this was from breakfast the morning we got our approval.
when i wasn't quite sure it was for real. and, if it was, i couldn't tell anyone because pat was gone and i unreachable.
i LOVE how sawyer says, "africa!"

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

WE GOT OUR APPROVAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH!!!
can you believe you just read that?!?

i can't believe i just typed it!!!


we've been waiting for this moment since may 27, 2010! when we submitted our paperwork to rwanda.

10 months of waiting.

did i do it well? that is up for debate. but, WE DID IT. we walked through it and we made it!!!

so...THE STORY!

i got up early this morning to read before sawyer got up.
right before i went to get him, i hobbled downstairs and to check my email real quick - so i wouldn't be on the computer once he got up.
i checked my email...then checked my spam folder (i check it every few days...specifically knowing our approval could go there since it's coming from another country!) and i had an email from a person with a REALLY long last name and the subject line was something about "in response to your request to adopt". i just STARED at it for a couple minutes! COULD THIS BE IT?!? or is this some crazy spam email and i'm going to get a virus if i click on it??? i seriously couldn't figure it out! i finally clicked on it...and it was our APPROVAL!!!! at least, i was PRETTY sure. but not 100% convinced. so, i forwarded it to our agency and asked if it really was. but, this was at 6:30 am. they would not be getting back to me for a few hours. and pat is camping and out of cell phone coverage so i can't call him. oh, AND, this email had been sitting in my spam folder since FRIDAY!!! crazy! :-)

so, i got sawyer up and tried to pretend like it didn't happen.
i didn't know WHAT to do!
i was guarding my heart...
we played. i went to the gym. ran a couple errands. as i was driving, our agency called me and she said,
"CONGRATULATIONS!"

AHHH!!! YAY!!!
THEN, i was excited!
EXCEPT i couldn't tell ANYONE since i couldn't get in touch with pat!

so, i went on with my day and was just waiting for him to call...he FINALLY called at like 2 pm on his way home.

he was so excited!

and i could finally SHARE THE NEWS!!!


we had a celebration dinner in the porch...

and rode our bikes to get ice cream before everyone collapsed into bed...
TIRED, excited parents!

so...what's next, right??

we wait. again. :-)

but, there is an end in sight for SURE!
we will definitely be bringing our 2 boys home in the next few months.

the next step will be another email with a picture of each of our boys...our "referral".
we will accept the referral.
and then, shortly after, go GET them!

we could get our referral in as few as 3 weeks from now...or 2 months from now...we will see!!!

THANK YOU for your excitement and support!

bailey

i just have to get this down before i forget...

yesterday, while we were eating a meal {i can't remember which one...it was lunch or dinner}, i could tell bailey was pondering. how? because she was quiet. she's only quiet when she's pondering. then, she opens her mouth to speak. i listen. because i know something either hilarious or amazing is about to be said.

she says, "mom, i'm not eating snacks anymore."
me: {knowing there is a "good" reason for this and that she's not just being flippant} "why not, bailey?"
bailey: "because! if i eat snacks from the green basket. then you just have to keep putting more snacks in and buying more and more at sam's and spending more and more money! you need that money for our brothers! if i don't eat snacks, then you'll have more money for our brothers!"

wow.
i just LOVE the thought process that went into that.

THEN she said, "AND...I've been looking on the road for pennies when i'm outside for our brothers. mom, YOU need to start looking in the road, too." :-)

LOVE that girl!

{and i DID tell her it was FINE and GOOD for her to eat snacks. that i appreciated her thinking about it, but that God will provide for our snacks AND for our brothers to come home. i can just picture this coming out at school to her teachers. something along the lines of, "we can't eat food at home because we have to save money for our brothers in africa....i'll probably get a call tomorrow :-)}

those 2 sweet boys in rwanda have NO idea how much they are loved!!!
praying they feel it deep in their little hearts tonight.

weekend away

here i am.
24 hours into my time away.

God has met me. oh, so clearly.
and i'm thankful.
and in awe.

i want to get some thoughts down so i can leave them behind and move forward.
but i never want to forget.
i want to be able to remember.
because this is His story.

i have struggled deeply for 6 months.
things have been dark.
joy has been hard to find.
i have felt suffocated and stunted by this adoption process.
ineffective in everything i do.

when we started, it was His.
He called us to it. it was terrifying to us.
but we obeyed.
things were that clear and simple at that point.

as we moved forward, He confirmed our obedience.
i can still taste the sweetness of those days.
nothing like it.
the excitement of following Him where He was leading us was like nothing else.

but that excitement {and i just realized this TODAY...probably a YEAR after it initially happened} that started with Him...and His plan and His glory playing out in our lives somehow got misplaced.

i started placing that excitement on our adoption. on our sons in Rwanda. and what the adoption process meant for us.

our adoption became my god.



oh, how that hurts my heart to write.
deeply.

but...i have already cried my eyes out, prayed my heart out and thanked Him for his forgiveness of me.
He has welcomed me back with open arms.

my God is my God.
whether we switch countries and we adopt children from somewhere other than Rwanda, He is my God and He will be with us.
whether is takes 4 more years to adopt our children from Rwanda, He is my God and He will be with us.
whether we NEVER adopt any children, He is my God and He will be with us.

my joy is in HIM.
not in adoption.
it started out "right" and "good"...He delights in us following His will and call on our lives.
but, i lost sight of Him...of His goodness and love for me - NO MATTER WHAT my circumstances are.

a low-key day that i don't think i'll forget

yesterday was a very low-key day.
i let sawyer stay in his pj's all day long. mostly because they were so cute on him.
it was a sacrifice...taking him to the bathroom in those was NOT easy.
but worth it to me for the cuteness :-)

he is loving this car racing track this week.
and plays with it over and over and over.

he's very particular about which cars race each other.

and has the patience to set is all up just so.
i have some lessons to learn from my 2 year old.

then, once they race down the track, he races to see where they ended up.

and proceeds to line them up on the opposite wall.
no "winners" or "losers" - just a line of the cars that have raced.

i walked into the dining room at one point and these 2 were like this.
sawyer doesn't get that close to bailey very often :-) so i had to document it!

as you can see, it was a pretty low-key day...full of important events like car racing and hugging on the dining room floor.

but...i think february 10, 2011 will be an important day when i look back, so i want to put some thoughts down to remember it.

it's been a hard week (let's be honest...it's been a hard 6 months or so!) and i began praying on monday for God to be REAL to me...for Him to show Himself to me in a REAL way. i wasn't testing Him. i KNOW He's with me. i was just in such a hard place and needed something more from Him. i was confident that He would answer my prayer.

and He did.

of course, not in a way that i was hoping.


but He answered. of course He did!

it was unexpected. it was just a phone call. from someone i've spent very little time with in the grand scheme of things. it was just a 30 minute conversation. a conversation that came on the tails of so many other conversations i've had and thoughts i've read and scripture that was echoing in my head that were all leading up to this moment. a moment where i was given HOPE.


it was His answer to my prayer. 
what was said in the conversation was SO important to my heart and soul.
i was flailing and working so HARD...yet i had no direction.
i've been given clear direction and TRUTH and i'm so thankful.

{i'm not trying to be vague...it's just so personal that i think if i tried to explain it, it wouldn't make sense. i'm not even sure pat understood when i tried to explain it to him last night. it makes more sense to talk about it generally like this.}

i'm exhausted from this week.
i have a lot to process. and a lot to give to Him.
and a lot to be thankful for.

i know those of you that i asked to pray specifically...were...thank you.
i pray you are blessed by hearing the answer to your prayers.

i've gone from hopeless to hopeful.
and that is something to remember, don't you think?

tears of hope

it was a good weekend.

woke up to {surprise!} snow on saturday morning!
i don't know if we just didn't listen, or if it really WAS a surprise...but i got to run 9 miles in this to start the day off - perfect!

and then the sun came out and melted it all away and we didn't even have to shovel - even MORE perfect! :-)
{still hoping for 1 BIG snowstorm this year....}

met a friend for lunch on saturday.
wow.
i need to do that more often!
that was SO fun!

i woke up saturday morning thinking about something that i haven't allowed myself to think about for months:
the day we arrive back HOME from picking up our kids in rwanda.
i used to think about it often.
but it became too painful.
i don't know WHY i woke up thinking about it.
but i did.
and i allowed myself to go there.
and the HOPE it filled my heart with was something i think i needed.

i have no idea how i will ACTUALLY feel that day.
BUT...i KNOW that it will be such an amazing feeling.
after months of hoping that pat would want to adopt.
after months of paperwork once we decided to move forward with it.
after months....possibly years of waiting to bring them home.
after weeks away from home to go and get them...

picturing arriving at the airport...our family of 8 all together for the first time...
and friends and family there that have been with us EVERY step of the way.
well, it's just about too much, right??

i've cried many tears of sadness, loneliness, frustration, confusion over the last few months.
but, this weekend, to cry tears full of HOPE was so sweet!

oh, how i yearn for that day...i'm just thankful for those thoughts and mental images He put in my mind as i started a new day...


we celebrated pat's sister, stephanie's, 30th birthday on saturday night!
always fun to be with family!

bailey and grandmommy playing guess who.

granddad tickling sawyer...

steph and rebekah

colin and steph (her husband)

colin, steph and all the kids!

the kids giving steph the cards they made for her...

we had a great, restful sunday today {AFTER we got home from a BUSY morning at church!}
i put my pj's on the second we walked in the door!

lots of wii and football game watching...

and ended the night with some races around the house...