the rest of us

in case you are worried that the rest of my family is suffering terribly for my crazy, awful attitude lately...they aren't. everyone is actually doing really well and there's still been a lot of fun and smiles and laughter around here lately!

bailey and sawyer are LOVING the basement these days. we go through spells.
sawyer LOVES his trains and bailey, well, she just loves anything {except socks that tickle her}

the other morning, i ran upstairs and made their lunch and felt "fun" so i brought it down to them and they ate it laying on their stomachs in the basement. i even let sawyer feed himself his applesauce. which was all fine and good til...

he rolled over and tried to put it in his mouth while laying on his back. i remember when applesauce all over a shirt, neck, face and carpet would have gotten me upset. not anymore. i laughed and cleaned it up and fed him the rest of the applesauce myself :-)

i had a headache from 5 pm sunday night until 2 pm yesterday afternoon. almost 3 full days. IT.WAS.AWFUL! it's so hard to function when you have a headache.

i couldn't take all the bags of halloween candy around here {meaning: i have NO self-control and needed it gone or else i was going to gain 20 pounds}

so, the other afternoon i gave each kid a bag and let them pick 10 pieces of candy. i told them they could eat the candy WHENEVER they wanted. they could eat it all right then. or for breakfast the next day. whatever. but when it was gone, it's gone. they have TOTALLY been so "controlled" about it! one piece when they get home, one piece after dinner. NO one has had any for breakfast! i'm amazed!

the rest of the candy is gone.

so, are my kids the only kids that pretend to be poor?
they were running in and out of the house the other afternoon. gathering "supplies" for whatever "game" they were playing. i asked one of them as they ran past me making dinner, "what are you guys playing?"

"we are poor people. we have a shelter on the ground. and we walk to the river to get water."
all said with a sweet smile on their face.
not like a "i have no idea what i'm talking about" smile.
but a "i know there are people like this in the world and i love them and respect them enough to acknowledge what their life is like" smile.

joshua was doing this.
HE.LOVES.TO.LEARN.
it's crazy.

oh look! sawyer caught a fish in the river!!!!
i love my kids.

i pretty much read a book a week.
the last 2 weeks i read Mockingjay and Choosing to See.
VERY different books.
loved them both.

my friend, Tisha, posted about this awhile ago.
i finally got around to doing it.
she used pretty beads.
i used pasta.
each jar represents the number of days until each child turns 18.
there are only 3215 days for rebekah.
i take one out a day...and we'll cook and eat them as we go. :-)
so practical, i am.
this is not to countdown until they are gone.
this is to be reminded how little time i really have with each of them and to TRULY make EACH day count.
once that pasta {day} is gone, it's gone!

we are having some pretty perfect fall days here lately.
and i'm trying to take advantage of them.
we've gone to a different playground every day.
i LOVE my mornings with these 2.
i think ages 1 1/2-5 yrs is my favorite age range.
the babies kill me.
and the older kids make me feel so inadequate.

toddlers are just so EASY to please.
yes, they throw temper tantrums and pee in their pants over and over.
but, say to them, "hey! is that a rock?"
and the temper tantrum is over and they are all smiles.
it's just sweet. i love it.

God is so good to me.
He's so very patient. and gentle.
sawyer and bailey have both been whining/complaining a lot this week {combo of weekend with the grandparents AND daylight savings time} and i have been SO frustrated.
but i was reminded today, that's TOTALLY what i've been doing with God lately.
whining, complaining, whining, complaining.
our adoption journey is NOT turning out how i "thought" it would.
i had this "plan" in my head and it's just not working out that way.
i have fought it and argued with God and tried to reason :-) with Him.
and He's been silent.
or He's gently told me "no" and "wait" and "be patient".
and i never let that get to my heart.
i whine and complain and whine and complain.
oh, how frustrating i must be to Him.

but, just like i continue to love and teach and mold and forgive my children for their whining and complaining, so does my God.

His never-ending grace and love is amazing.
and He sends little snippets of encouragement that could ONLY be from Him my way at just the right times.
today He LITERALLY sent me a hug at a playground. for REAL. my eyes are still bugging out probably.
i mean, it was so great to see her. BUT, more than that, it was FROM HIM!
i am so so thankful.
i feel like, maybe, i'm finally hearing what He's trying to teach me.

and my heart is singing again.
i'm excited when i wake up.
to see what the day holds.
to welcome my children to their day.
to think ahead and dream and love and LIVE.

i don't think i'll ever be quite the same.
the scars from the lessons are there to remind me.
my heart beats deeper.
but i hope it means that i will also love deeper.

{sawyer loves chocolate chip pancakes}

man, life is hard.
but He is bigger than all of it.

and life is good.
we're still smiling.
how could we not??

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." 

James 1:17

updates on life

this will be all over the place. i apologize in advance. but it's life these days...
i need to update on so much...and i have some cute pictures to keep you interested :-)

sawyer and potty training:
it's done. he's potty trained! pee and poop. i know. i can't believe it either. it just "clicked" last sunday. it took almost 2 weeks. 2 miserable weeks. in hindsight, i did it too early. it would have been WAY easier if i had waiting a couple more months. but, it's done. and he does wear pants now. but i just LOVE his little bottom in underwear...so he looks like this quite often :-)

bailey:

she is the happiest, most joyful person i've ever met. and i'm so thankful that i get to be her mom. she's also VERY tired and has a really hard time in the afternoons. but the mornings together are the highlight of my day.

halloween:
it's full of fun around here. halloween, that is. the kids dress up. they are ALL having fun parties at school today that they get to put their costumes on for {rebekah: "bed head" - i have no idea...her and a friend came up with it...but it involved NO costume, so i was all for it!; joshua and sawyer: firemen; bailey: today - bride, tomorrow for the church trunk or treat it will be something different i'm sure and then another one on sunday...she just picks out of the dress up box}. trick or treating in our neighborhood is so super fun. like a big party! i hope i bought enough candy. i buy more every year and we ALWAYS run out and start giving the kids' candy away that they just brought home! we love it. and i can't wait to eat their candy! :-)

my heart:
it's a mess. no surprise there. i am really struggling. i've cried...SOBBED-cried every day this week. i've been in constant prayer and reflection. but it won't go away. it's deep and dark and heavy and not specific and impossible to try to explain.  but i think/hope/pray i turned the corner. this morning when i woke up, my heart felt a little "light" and there was a hint of joy that i didn't have to fake. God has been talking to me. but lots of other things have been, too. so i'm still trying to wade through it all and hear the TRUTH. i really think telling myself, "God loves me." over and over for 24 hours helped. amazing {why do i think it's amazing? duh! but, still, it is!} i will share more when i can articulate it better...but thank you for your prayers...keep 'em coming...and if you have any "TRUTH" to share...i'm all ears!

pat:
he is the most amazing husband ever.
and loves me SO perfectly.

our afternoons:
they are getting better. the homework stuff is going smoother. the chores are getting done without reminders. but they are still my least favorite part of the day.

our adoption:
the short update: nothing new. the wait is longer than ever. a year at the least? 3 years possibly?? we just don't know.

during this process, i have never seen God work more clearly in my life.
yet i have also never been so SAD and HURTING and IMPATIENT in my life.
i remember the "stress" of the paperwork part of this and thinking, "if we can just get to the 'waiting', then i'll just enjoy life and wait patiently until it's His timing for our boys to come home." ha!
the paperwork part was a BREEZE compared to this...
i have felt such an urgency the last couple weeks...yet no movement...but i wonder, one day, when we know "their" story - will this time in October 2010 be a pivotal part?? we'll see...
it doesn't help that the process has changed umpteen times since we started the Rwanda program.
but it DOES help that we KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is with us and with those boys and we {well, i will...pat will endure my crying :-)} will press on until His will is done.
i also know now that Satan is against us. he is fighting tooth and nail to discourage me...to make me ineffective...to turn me from the One that can comfort and strengthen and love me. he has won battle after battle. but he will NOT win in the end and i am certain of that.

 

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." 

Joshua 1:9

and i'm out of pictures.
so, that's the end of the update.
i feel like there's more but i need to run...

such love

the jewelry party was yesterday.
but it was NOT just a jewelry party.
it was an outpouring of love for me...for our family...for our boys in Africa.
and it was SO good for my heart.

christy asked me months ago if she could do this.
it was such a sacrifice for her...to leave her husband and sweet son for a couple days...to FLY here and pack up and unpack and repack all her jewelry...
my gratitude to her seems insufficient.
but i just keep praying she would be blessed somehow, someway that will blow her socks off! :-)

the jewelry is GORGEOUS!

bailey LOVED modeling the little girls' line :-)
sawyer loved that grandma was here!

SO many sweet friends and family came {and ordered online if they couldn't come!}

i don't know the total yet...but i think you all put a significant dent in the money we need to bring those boys home one day.

as much as i LOVED the party and the day...i think my favorite part of the visit was our time on the couch the night before.
christy is such a REAL person and she somehow brought things out of me that i didn't even know were in there! and still loved me. oh, how she knows how to love...

me, christy, mary and peyton

me and my sister.

now if there would just be some MOVEMENT in rwanda so we can GET to our sweet boys...will you pray with us??? thank you!

wait

and tonight i feel like He is saying,

"wait...My timing is perfect...wait..." with the sweetest most patient whisper in my ear

{even though i want to SCREAM! at it! i can hear it...thank you, Lord...}

consuming

this decision is consuming.
i go back and forth daily.
from "we should DEFINITELY stay in the rwanda program" to "we should DEFINITELY switch to the ethiopia program" and everything in between.

according to pat, we are waiting "30-60 days" and we'll make our decision then.
we are both open to either.
we just want to KNOW one way or the other.

it's consuming me.

i pray CONSTANTLY that He would make it CRYSTAL clear.
i know He can...please, Lord...

adoption is not cute...but he is

this is going to be a long post.
i'm going to give the update on our adoption process.
and how i feel about it.
and there will be some cute pictures...of a certain little 2 yr old :-)
just to keep you smiling!

the monday before we left for the beach {where we got evacuated from the hurricane} we heard that Rwanda was closing it's doors to international adoption.

ugh.

what?!? at that point we hadn't heard anything from our agency...so it was hard news to hear but we were waiting for "official" news to truly react.

the next day {that was a LONG 24 hours} we heard from our agency that Rwanda WAS closing to international adoption. but everyone that had their paperwork in by Aug 31 "would still be processed as usual." so, that meant we were ok. our paperwork had been there for 3 months by then...

and they are closing so that they can become a part of the Hague Convention. which basically means they will put more regulations/standards in place that will better for the orphans and adoptive parents in the long run. it's good. it's just hard to be in the middle of it.

AND there were so many people that didn't have their paperwork done...they were still putting it all together...and it was VERY hard for them to process what this meant for their journeys.

adoption is not cute, ya'll.
it's a lot of things.
but cute is not one of them.


{but he IS cute! we actually sat on the couch today to read our books before naptime. and i used my fancy little remote to take our picture :-)}

no, adoption isn't cute.
but it's a LOT of other things...it's God's heart...it's encouragement from friends and family coming in the mail and in shop orders and in conversations...it's bailey asking the "dark-skinned man" that was checking us out at Sam's if he was from Africa? and then telling him she's going there (!) to get her 2 brothers. "and they are dark-skinned, too!"

but it hasn't been easy.
it's been scary and hard and long.

i have moments where i question how i will mother 2 more.
when i sometimes feel like i do an awful job mothering the 4 i already have.
i have moments where i'm sick of waiting and telling myself the "right things"...like "it's His timing" and all that...

but none of those moments lasts long.
they really don't.
He's so quick to bring me back to Himself...to His heart and His lap.
to hold me and gently remind me that it's not ME and MY PLAN.
that this is all about Him.
it always has been and it always will be.


{after i took that first picture, he looked up and said, "ooooo, pic-ur!" and i took another one! :-)}

so...our paperwork is going to be processed "as usual."
what in the world does THAT mean??
that's the million dollar question!
at this point the "wait" is 13 months from when you get your paperwork in.
but each month that goes by with no paperwork being processed makes that wait time longer.

after months of complete silence...
there has been some rumblings coming from Rwanda.
they have begun giving us numbers...we are #71 in line (which means there are 70 families in front of us waiting for their children).
they haven't finished numbering everyone...we are estimating there are about 100 families total.
but those numbers don't really mean much either.
especially when you consider that about 14 families a year have adopted from Rwanda for the last few years {those are NOT exact statistics...just an estimate from what i remember of what i've read...the point is that there have NOT been anywhere close to 100 adoptions!}
does that mean we have to wait 5 years or something??
we don't know...we sure hope not!
our selfish prayer is that they would crank through all those dossiers piled up over there so that they can move onto getting Hague approved.

once the next set of approvals/referrals comes through it might give us some info...but maybe not.

see?? NOT cute! :-)

{then he reached up and put his sweet little hand around my neck and said, "'gain! pic-ur!" how could i resist?!? :-)}

a fellow "waiting mom" wrote this the other day...and it hit home.
so much truth in there...and it will help you understand the crazy emotions that i swing through practically every day.

but...one day...there will be 2 less orphans in the world because of all of this.

"One Less"...the story behind the song...wow...i love how he says, "it's a hug and a punch"
One Less by Matthew West (The Story Behind The Song) from emicmg on Vimeo.

i know that most of the time the process is more important than the end result.
i know that God is teaching us and growing us and challenging us {and you, too!} through this whole process.
i'm thankful for that...i am.
i am a different person than i was before...and that's a good thing.
BUT...the end result is going to be so, so sweet.
i really don't let myself go there very often {hardly ever} but right now, letting my heart go there...makes me want to SCREAM and CRY and LAUGH and JUMP UP AND DOWN!


oh, how i yearn for that day...

the journey won't be over.
it will actually have just begun.
but God will be with us.
and our 2 boys will be with us.
and it will probably even be cute :-)


{and one last one...i love how he points at EVERYTHING these days...and he just wants me to say what it is and then he repeats it...he is talking so much. and he's SO cute!}

His mercies, struck gold, aware and security

this should be 4 (at least) separate posts...but this week's been busy...things are piling up...and i just haven't had the time to sit and do them one at a time.

i am still in a bit of a funk.
but God's mercies are abundant.
yes, there are still hard things i'm working through...and seeing...and struggling with...
but He continues to bless me and love me and carry me just like i need to be blessed and loved and carried.

sawyer "struck gold" yesterday afternoon.
by the time he was up from his nap, the tea party with freshly made oatmeal-choc. chip cookies and cut up nectarines and apples was deserted for the new puppy across the street and it was ALL HIS! :-) can you tell he was happy??

lately i've been trying to pray more specifically...instead of "i lift up pat's day at work" i write {i write all my prayers...i have since the 7th grade. i've filled journal after journal. sure, i've gone weeks, even months without writing in it...but for the most part, i've written my prayer every morning for that past 21 years! wow!!! and they are all in a box in the basement...} anyways, back to pat's day at work...i would write, "i lift pat's day at work up to you. i pray you would encouragement him in a way today that he would KNOW comes from you...no matter how much else is going on around him."

so...yesterday morning, my specific prayer was to have a good conversation with joshua.
to really feel like we were both engaged in it. to connect to him.
he's the one i'm having the hardest time reading since school started.
he just doesn't talk much. and once they get home from school, the girls talk SO much and there's so much going on, that it's hard to feel like i even talk to him!

it was nice last year, because he didn't get on the bus til mid-morning so i had the morning to at least feel like i saw his eyes and talked to him.

i was doubtful yesterday.
i had 2 extra kids all afternoon.
how in the world would i connect with him??
but i did!
2 separate times we were in a room together alone...and he engaged me.
neither was for long...maybe 5 minutes...
and both times i had to control the tears from welling up and squirting out of my eyes.
i was just so thankful to Him for His love for me...to answer that specific prayer of mine.

we kicked the soccer ball together during rebekah's soccer practice
{and i got to that ball in time! even while taking a picture :-)}

he's so so sweet.
and so fun.
and thinks HARD.
don't know where he gets that from! :-)

sawyer and i walked up to the school and ate lunch with him once bailey got on the bus today.
i ran into bailey's teacher AND saw joshua's teacher and they both commented on how great my kids are.
they didn't have to do that.
it sure meant a lot to this mama's heart!
{and i have to admit, i've been wondering about Miss Bailey...so it reassured me a LOT!}

bailey was setting up a tea party for sawyer and i this morning.
and i looked down and sawyer's sweet little hand was just resting on my leg.
if i moved it, he scooted back over and put it back.
when i got up to get the camera and sat back down, he put it back.

there was a security there for him.
he felt SAFE when his hand was on me.
his world was GOOD.

i love that.

but all of a sudden my heart hurt.
for my boys in Rwanda.
do they have someone they can put their hand on?
a place to feel safe??
and how long will it take once they are here for them to feel safe??
this is going to be a big, scary, unknown place to them...

how i yearn for the day when one of them puts their sweet little hand on my leg...