surrender

i am not a writer.
normally i just type and "publish post" and off i go...

but this is very close to my heart...and it's been big and i want to do it justice...so i pray i can communicate in a way that you will understand and, hopefully, relate!

i have had an easy life.
born into a wonderful family.
have been loved by my immediate family, my extended family, and friends every step of my life.
i've been a Christian since i was 4 years old and have never doubted God...never struggled with "is He who He says He is?"
once i believed it, i BELIEVED it.
i have loved Him as long as i can remember.
i've said things like, "i trust Him", "He is in control", "i have faith that He knows why this is happening"...and really meant them...deep, deep down inside.

i found a husband early...earlier than some thought i should. :-)
we've had 4 healthy children.
God has provided Pat with a job that allows me to stay home.
we have a home and food and are never in "need."

i have no idea why i've had it so easy.
i feel guilty about it.
i've spent years not wanting to admit it.
and i'm finally realizing that is silly.
this is my story.
why am i not screaming it from the rooftops??
i would desire that kind of story for my children, wouldn't i??
it's not about me.
it's about Him...His grace and mercy and goodness have been just as present in my life as in someone with a much "harder" story.

i don't have a huge "thing" to be the "plot thickener" and catalyst to my story...that might keep you turning the pages...but my easy life has caused me to do something for 30+ years that is just becoming clear to me...but first, a little more about this past weekend...

i am pretty guarded with people...i don't show my emotions and have a hard time being very open in person {you might have a hard time believing that if you just know me here...i find it much easier to type/write my feelings than say them}

i also am not very emotional. i'm pretty strong and take life/days/circumstances as they come and deal with them in a logical way. i'm motivated and driven and don't struggle with busy, full, crazy days. i actually think i thrive on them. i love my life. i'm where i always wanted to be.

the last couple weeks i've been a different person...anytime i opened my mouth to talk to someone...anyone...i cried...sobbed...and had no control over it. {sorry...those of you that had to listen to me blabber on and on!} i've been so emotional...and not very guarded. yet completely confused about what was going on in my mind and heart.

this weekend was really, really good.
i knew it would be.
God cleared some stuff up for me.
and i can see now why the Enemy was trying so hard for me not to be there!

this weekend was about ME and HIM.
and it had been way too long.
i'm often seeking His will for my life...asking Him to help me be a better wife and mom and friend and on and on...

but i had forgotten about just being HIS daughter.

and seeking who He wants ME to be...for HIM.

and opening my tight-clenched hand on who I want to be for Him...and truly asking Him who HE wants me to be.

when i was trying to explain this to Pat last night {i'm horrible at communicating things in words...} he asked me, "So, do you feel like you've been disconnected from God and now you're not?" and I said, "No. I have felt very connected to God. I haven't felt disconnected from Him over these past few weeks that have been hard. I feel like He's taking me to a new level. And that's scary." He smiled and said, "Yes. Scary...but good."

for my entire life i have struggled with wanting to do things on my own.
the hard part about that is that almost all of the time, i can do life on my own.
i'm pretty capable.
i have to choose to hand it over to Him.
i have rarely been forced to hand it over to Him.

He's been working on that in me...and made it crystal clear this past weekend...that I need to surrender it all...every moment of every day...to Him. my day might still look the same. yet my spirit will be different...because it will be led by His spirit.

and i'm going to admit something.
i'm terrified about what life is going to look like with 6 kids.
we are walking into an "unknown" that is very scary to me.
4 kids was "my plan"...but this is God's plan :-)
i know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God has called us to this.
i'm excited about it.
I.CAN.NOT.WAIT to get my hands on those sweet boys.
but, i'm not going to deny that it's going to be hard...and it's going to put me WAY out of my comfort zone.

we are determined to do this well.
not "well" in the world's standards...but how HE wants us to...
we don't want to just swoop into another continent and take 2 precious children and waltz back home and move on.
we want to see God there.
to feel Him.
to not let the stress and jet lag and, likely, sickness consume us...but to allow our children's hearts to experience the hugeness of a God that adopted us into His family...even through problems and pain...He did it for us...we will do it for Him.

once we are home, as a family of 8, we want to take each day as it comes.
relying on Him to get us through.
not living by our own lists and priorities and plowing through...but by His desire for our moments.
we only have this moment...and i need to do a better job seeking His will for this moment.

i am NOT trying to romanticize this whole thing.
if anything, i think the reality of our future is hitting me.

i think my life is about to end being "easy" and i'm going to have to rely on HIS strength and grace every moment of the day and He's maybe, just maybe, getting me ready for that???

i'm ready and willing.
with Him at my side, walking alongside me, and carrying me when i can't even walk...i can do it.

He told me that this weekend.
i had struggled and cried and prayed and heard and sought and He told me,
"I've got it, Courtney. I've got it ALL."

i believed Him.
i did.
but i had to smile when our speaker walked on the stage on Sunday morning for our last session wearing a shirt that said, "147 Million Orphans" in huge letters across the front.

it was like Him underlining what He'd been telling my heart all weekend...SURRENDER IT ALL to me...I'm here and I've got you in My hands."

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take Him at His Word;
Just to rest upon His promise,
And to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”

if you have any questions about anything i've said, please ask.
i've grown up in the church and reading the Bible and i try not to use "religious" phrases that someone that hasn't grown up in the church wouldn't understand, but i still might and i'm sorry.

oh...and our speaker this weekend was AMAZING!
Kelly Minter...she writes beautiful music and amazing Bible studies for women...you should definitely check her out!
and if you ever have the opportunity to hear her sing or speak...RUN there!

ok.
i know it's been kinda heavy and deep around here lately.
hopefully i'll be back to taking pictures and posting fun, silly stuff soon!!!

the process

got the mail on the way in from getting joshua on the bus.
in between a pile of all junk mail was an envelope with THE return address i've been praying for!!!

i quickly took a picture, then ripped into it with my heart in my throat...

but it was not our approval.
it was a letter stating that they need more info on something in our homestudy.
we need our social worker to do that for us as an addendum, and then mail it to USCIS.
and then wait...again...for our approval.

there was also a second page attached.
stating that this letter was supposed to have been mailed out Feb 8, but because of the snowstorm (and the govt closing for a week) it was mailed Feb 22. ugh.

ugh.

very disappointing.

i've followed enough adoption journeys to know that we should expect things like this.
over and over.
this process is crazy...so detailed...so much red tape...so many specific things to do/fill out/check off...and it's easy to get frustrated and think things like, "is this worth it?"

but it is.
i trust that it is.
and all that redtape, etc is for the children...for their best interests.

i know that this is all in His hands.
and it's His timing.
and His timing is perfect.

but i can't help but feel sad...and discouraged...and like i just want to shut my heart off for a little while and not feel.

i think we were very hopeful that we'd be home by Christmas as a family of 8...and as February has ticked by it was seeming less likely...and this pretty much seals the deal. it very unlikely that we would travel this year at this point. which is just going to take some time to adjust to for me...mentally...

we do things EVERY.DAY to prepare for these children.
we are painting rooms.
and getting beds.
and reading books.
and reading others' journeys as they go before us.
just a few minutes ago i taped sawyer's room so that we can paint the trim (that will be their room) while sawyer and bailey chased each other around and sawyer took the tape off as i was putting it on :-)

we are glad to...we have been called to it...
but it's a lot.

and this is just a hard day.

i'm pretty sure i'm not making any sense at this point.

this is just another step in the process.
not one we knew was going to happen, but we'll keep stepping on.
because there are 2 little boys that are already in my heart and belong in my house and i'm going to keep stepping until i get to them.

random

i've eaten all the candy that pat gave me for valentine's day. every.last.piece. i'm disgusting.

rebekah is doing "cup stacking" in p.e. right now. seriously? that really annoys me. it's ridiculous. that does NOT count for physical activity.

i want another 2 feet of snow. i'm sorry to those of you that don't agree with me. but i do.

i have so great recipes to share when i get a chunk of time...stay tuned!

the sun was out today. and it was above freezing. we went for a walk and it was wonderful. i looked up the weather and it's supposed to be cloudy ALL WEEK. sadness! unfortunately that really affects my mood...it might be a long week.

it's time for us to receive our I171 {approval from the US govt to adopt} in the mail. everyday when i go to get the mail i get nervous...and anticipate seeing it as i look through each piece. and everyday it isn't there. i was fine about it until this past week. according to my "calculations" {which mean nothing, by the way} it's time...come ON!

this is going to be our first full week of school/work in over a month i think.
yes, it's going to be a long week...

as i was typing that i am realizing that i don't have a great attitude. i'm going to work on that. and grab this week by the horns {and NOT grab candy} and make some sunshine of our own! it might be a long week...but it's going to be GREAT.

bailey

you know it's going to be good just by the title, right??

she had to wear these shoes today {and the strawberry socks}.
never mind that it's snowy/slushy/icy outside.
she needed to hear the "click click" that they make.

joshua had his 6 year checkup this morning (he's a healthy boy!)
and he had to get 1 shot.
the nurse was trying to tell him that after this shot he won't have to get shots til he's 13 or something.
bailey interrupted.

she says,
"actually {yes...she said "actually" in her cute little voice that grates on my nerves by the end of the day...but i love...i really do} he has to get some shots in a little while because we are going to africa!"

the nurses eyebrows shoot up.
a lot.

before she can say anything, bailey says,
"we are getting 2 brodders."

the nurse looks at me.
i'm smiling.
she says, "you're adopting??"
i say, "yes."

and she says, "that's precious."

you have no idea, nurse lady, no idea.

i hope these 2 new brodders are ready for their sister with the clicking shoes.

--

Adoptive love was not natural; it was not manufactured within our DNA. No evidence of its existence showed up in our blood types or facial features or the quaint familial traits that ran through generations, the genetic tendencies toward duty or distraction or drink. In scientific terms, adoption meant people were unrelated. Period.

But I came to realize that science never fully explained the world's greatest mysteries. Science was a high calling. It was a noble and wonderfilled endeavor. But science had yet to provide all satisfactory answers for our most beautiful unknowns - all the things that transcended understanding, the miracles that pervaded individual lives and stretched back to a majesty spoken into existence, to a sacrifice that continued to resonate within our souls thousands of years later. A sacrifice based on adoption: he chose us, he loved us, then he died for the worst within us.

from The Rivers Run Dry by Sibella Giorello

the orphanage

this is not an easy post to write.
but i need to get it out...all these details swim around in my head and keep me up at night.
night after night.

this is the information i have gathered on my own from other people's comments/blogs/etc.

the orphanage where our boys will come from (and likely are living right now) is called Home of Hope. it has these infamous blue doors that everyone knows it by.

as families have been to rwanda over the last year to get their children, and i've watched intently, i've gathered some information about the orphanage that is sometimes helpful, sometimes heartwarming, and often hard to hear.

this is the only orphanage right now that is set up for adoption in the entire country.
the orphanage is run by a group of nuns.
there are only amazing things said about these nuns.
they love the children immensely...have bonds with them...some of the bonds are the only bonds these babies have had in their little lives. this is about the only heart-warming thing about it...and i cling to it in the wee hours of the night/morning as i'm trying to sleep and can't...

the orphanage actually has some older, mentally handicapped people in it as well that are cared for by the nuns.

the children in the orphanage are divided into rooms by age group - infants, toddlers, older children.

there are around 150 children total.
most of the children are 2 years old or older.

when you pick up your child (ren) you only get to see the room that your child slept/lived in. you don't get to see the rest of the rooms.

you also can't take any pictures inside the orphanage.

there are 50 toddlers and 2 caretakers for them.

they get 1 real meal a day.

most of them have some parasite that gives them awful diarrhea...the parasite is most likely from the water at the orphanage. this can be dealt with once they get home...but it's not fun or easy.

all the children in the orphanage are abandoned.
which IS illegal there.
we will find out and get to see where they were found....and any circumstances/people involved.
we will be given any info they have on the children...but it isn't much.

they are on a pretty strict schedule at the orphanage (understandably!) take naps at the same time every day, etc...which will hopefully help them adjust to our "strict" schedule :-)

the following two links are from a mom that was at Home of Hope picking up her little girl in December.
from my eyes
another experience

they say adoption isn't for the faint of heart.
and "they" are right.
this is a hard road.
in many ways.

BUT...God is with us.
and that is what gets me through all that that you just read.
God knows all that.
God loves all those children so, SO much.
and He is going to use us to physically care for 2 of them.
we are honored.

does He want to use you, too??
just ask Him...He'll make it clear!

how long will it take??

{i was sitting at the computer typing something the other day and looked down and had written this...my mind was not on what i was supposed to be doing...it was on 2 little boys on the other side of the world...}

lots of things make me think of our 2 little boys in rwanda.
one of those things is anytime one of our kids is sick...and i'm worried about them...my heart breaks for them...who is taking care of my children in rwanda??

there will be a lot of "adjustments" when we bring our new children home.
there will be a language barrier.
and that worries me.
i know they will learn the language.
but there will be frustrating days in the meantime...where they want to tell me something and i won't understand.
there will be so much that i won't KNOW about them.
and i'm not talking about facts, here.
i'm talking about things a MOM needs to know.

this past sunday afternoon/evening, i kept saying to pat, "joshua doesn't seem right."
we tried to tell ourselves it was that he was tired.
but my mom instinct knew better.
and was confirmed when he woke up crying in the middle of the night with a high fever.
i just knew.

and sawyer.
he says very few words.
but he has this sweet whine he uses.
i can literally tell the difference between his, "i need milk" whine and "where is rebekah?" whine and "i lost my car under the couch" whine.
i just know.

it's not something i have to think about.
or ponder.
or evaluate.
i just KNOW.

how long will it take for me to KNOW these things about the children we are adopting?
this is my job.
to KNOW.
but i won't at first and that is going to be so hard for me.